Your question: Friends Advice

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Amanda says...

You haven't said what kind of drugs or how addictive they are, but I'm assuming the drugs have become a serious habit with your friend, for you to be so concerned. Whether you feel it's your fault because you introduced her to the drug in the first place or not, is a bit irrelevant now. Your friend needs more help that either her mother or you can give, so if you want to stick by her and try to help her, I'd get together with her mum and try to get a plan going. She'll probably need to see a professional drugs counsellor/therapist. She'll also need your support but you're not a professional and can't take on the weight of your friend's problem alone. I think if you talk to her mum about prefessional help for your friend, you'll find a whole load off your shoulders and you'll have some clear direction on how you can help.

Ashley says...

Your friend is lucky to have someone like you who cares about her. But having a parent who couldn't care less is unfortunate, which no doubt is part of the problem. Young people with growing brains and bodies shouldn't abuse drugs, as the problems caused by beginning such behavior at an early age are almost always worse than when begun as a fully formed adult. So what her mum is doing is essentially neglect - which might have caused the problem in the first place. Does she have a father or other family members, such as older siblings, who could take care of her? Let your friend know that you are there for her, and that you know she is hurting and that it's interfering with your life. Perhaps once she sees that her actions, brought about by her own pain, are hurting those who really care about her, it will help her come out of her cycle of abuse. Just remember, it's not your fault what she's going through.

Char says...

Sweetheart, sometimes it's just so hard to be a friend. If you're anything like me, you count yourself as a loyal friend, someone whose there for those in need, who cares about how they feel and wants to make them feel good about themselves - however that will be. You'll also go out of your way often to not cause pain and to make someones pain go away ---- this kind of friendship can be all consuming - trust me, i've been there. When I suffered with depression and drug dabbling, my best friend tried to be there for me, even when I made the same mistake, over and over and over and over again - never seeming to have learned anything by it. Eventually, this summer, she, like you, put her neck out to the point where I was leaning on her too much for support. I needed her, and she felt the pressure to be the perfect friend. She has her own personal issues yet she always went over and above the friendship rule. She made me boxes and filled them with things she'd knew i'd like. She'd always lend an ear for me, always be there, no matter what was going on in her own life. I'd like to think I was there for her too...to a point, when the drama wasnt so much in my own life. This summer was the worst it's been for me and my own mental health - I was living somewhere I was very unhappy with - I was rowing with my boyfriend, I was self harming, I had no job and I had a big cocaine binge in London....so you see, I was a bit of a handful!

When my boyfriend finished me with me it felt like my whole world had caved in...and I turned to my best friend, naturally. This time, she'd been away for a holiday - I sensed things were cooling when I tried calling and got no reply...also i'd been involved in a car accident and we didnt see each other after that....so my boyfriend dumps me, I have to leave the shared house im in and go home to my parents - feel incredibly alone and emotional and this is when I got an email saying that although she thinks it's great I was having a fresh start 'The thing is, I think we should be a part of that too'. Most people think she's a cow for doing that, but they dont know what it's really like to be involved in someones life who is on self destruct mode - something I think you do know something about. My best friend just couldnt cope anymore. I wasnt helping myself at all and I was leaning on her for the support I felt I needed. She went under the water...her own emotions unstable...her own insecurities overlooked...it was affecting her life. She left me, not because she was a bitch or becasue she didnt want to be there but because she was becoming too close - too close to help.

Because she withdrew it literally forced me to re evaluate my life and where it was going. I had no boyfriend and no best friend - something which was hard to deal with because it was because of me that this had happened - so I felt. Without them I had to really pull myself together and learn to listen to my own head - something which was so hard to do. I cried so much and I reached my lowest point, but in the moments of clarity, I realsied that the only person who could ever stop me from taking coke or hurting myself or getting fat or being jobless was me. I was the only one not making positive changes.

So I really really tried and I got there in the end. It's only been about 3 months but in those three months I ate good food and lost weight, I threw myself into work and I got promoted to a 20k managerial position after only a month. I have made new friends and I do not put upon them as I used to with my best friend. I've even repaired my friendship with my Ex. The more I did for myself, the more I am getting out of life - and I cant imagine being there again!

My point for sharing this with you is this - if you're giving all out to someone (like my best friend did) then you're neglecting yourself. I was in your friends position, and I tell you something - yes it hurt still hurts that she left me, but I strongly believe she did me a favour.

I had to learn how to cope on my own - and so does your friend. Sometimes you dont know what's at stake until you lose it. I think you need to take a step back because as long as you're there covering her ass, making her excuses, trying to help - you wont get anywhere.

She has to learn that her actions have consequences - and that she has to change.

Debs says...

Drug addiction comes in all shapes and sizes. You haven't said what the drugs are, so I'll keep this pretty vague. Why does your friend take drugs? Whatever reason she might give you, that's it's fun, that it relaxes her, that she just wants to. But the reason she does it is because she prefers the person she is when she's on drugs than when she isn't. (Well, that and the fact that drugs are, by their nature, addictive.) So, what can you do for her? Find her someone she can trust, someone she can talk to. Perhaps a doctor, or a therapist. The last thing you need to be doing is preaching to her about the damage the drugs are doing. You need to be supporting her, encouraging her to accept that she's a good person. And a better one when she's not high. One of the things that helped me cut back on my drinking was the realisation that I no longer liked the person I was when I was drunk. I preferred the person I was when I was sober. All the stuff that I thought was cool about me when I was drunk, that I was witty, fun and sexy, I realised was just as true as when I was sober. Thing is, until I did realise that, nothing in the world would have stopped me drinking. I made excuses for it, I said I was just being social, that I was just relaxing after a bad day, that I just needed the one drink. The truth was, I was or perhaps already had, developed a physical dependency and certainly a psychological one. But I got through it. You need to be there to help your friend. Give her support, give her time. Give her someone she can talk to.

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