Your question: Herpes Advice

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Debs says...

Well, firstly, if it's early days, I'm afraid to say that you may not have actually found the love of your life. Just the love of the next few months. However, let's not allow that to put us off.

You really have two options, neither of which are pleasant. Firstly, not telling him. There's a slim chance that you won't pass on the herpes. There's a slimmer chance that he might be a carrier himself, so won't get infected. You could enjoy a happy and fun time without the herpes rearing its ugly, cold sored face. But if it does, then it's going to be a long and difficult conversation...

So, you can always tell him. Which will be a long and difficult conversation. But at least everything will be out in the open, you'll have been honest and showed faith in him and the relationship. Which is good, as there are many ways to live with herpes. And, like I said, he might be a carrier too. But, then again, he might not, so could just drop you like a hot potato. If he's a gentleman, he'll just split up with you and leave it at that, if he's not, well, you could find yourself getting odd looks from mutual friends in future.

What you need to do, firstly, is decide where this is really, honestly going. It's far too early to be dropping confessions like this into the mix. I'm assuming, perhaps wrongly, that the herpes is genital, rather than oral. (I'm guessing, you see, that you would have had a flair up already if it was oral, You hav kssed, haven't you?) So you can keep this secret for a while. For the time being, avoid oral sex and always, ALWAYS use a condom. (Which is good advise regards of the herpes, anyway.) That way you should be able to reduce the chances of passing anything on and you can get a chance to get to know this guy. After a while, you'll realise if he really is the one, or not. Then you must tell him. Good luck.

Char says...

Well reader, this is a tricky question indeed isn't it? First of all, I'd question how comfortable you are with your diagnosis and if you have fully come to terms with the fact that herpes is a lifelong virus which you'll be able to pass on to future or present lovers.

No doubt you'll be feeling embarrassed, maybe even ashamed and quite possibly, be living in Egypt at the moment. Stop right now and take a good hard long look in the mirror. Did you ask for herpes?

No, I'm sure it wasn't on the top of your to do list along with the shopping for milk and bread. What was that? A pinch of herpes too? No problem!

First things first, if you've already shagged your lover without protection because you're in Egypt then you need to get down on your knees and pray that your lover hasn't got nasty red weeping sores on their genitals. Even if they haven't got outward symptoms, like other STDs such as chlamydia, herpes can often lie dormant only presenting itself sporadically with triggers such as stress, diet, UV rays or illness sometimes years after infection.

If you know and you've already shagged your loved one without protection then you could lie and say you didn't know about it, and that perhaps someone went down on you in the past when they had a cold sore (quite possible and not quite as gruesome as contracting weeping sores from someone's rude bits).

If you haven't gone the whole way and you want to tell your lover, then be prepared for them to laugh in your face, balk and run off. If they stay, word it with confidence... tell it like it isn't the end of the world and that they won't necessarily catch it providing precautions are taken. Try to approach the subject like you would if you were discussing contraception - with honesty and without fear! Good luck!

Amanda says...

I’m not the best AA to answer this as I veer somewhat towards almost OCD regarding safe sex. I’ll try putting myself in the shoes (or condom) of the recipient beau of said bad news. I would want to know quite early in the relationship (certainly before we’d had sex) and, if I also felt I’d met the love of my life, I’d continue with the relationship, do all my STD avoidance homework and just be very careful. However, if I wasn’t particularly bothered about the new partner and just saw it as a fling, I’d back off. I would be really angry if I wasn’t told and given the option of making my own choice whether to continue the relationship or not before we had sex. And if I had thought the person to be the partner of my dreams, my illusions would be shattered more by their dishonesty, rather than that they suffered from herpes.

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