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Your question: I'm married, but another man has helped me realise myself
"Dear Mookychick,
Just over a year ago I met a guy, as friends, who I thought was pretty special and each time our paths have crossed since the impact he has had on me has heightened. He has had a massively positive influence on my life, inspired me to achieve loads and basically ticks all my boxes. I became so consumed with thoughts of him that four months ago I just told him honestly how I felt. He took it all on board and was so understanding but all he would say was that he would not cross the line and he asked me not to mention the issue again. I am not only married, but to someone senior to him at work (he is unbelieveably ambitious), so I understood this comment. His reaction made me admire him even more as I agree with his morals and I would want to avoid anything underhand.
Then just before Christmas I had the chance and strongly felt the need to raise the subject again. I had spent four months dreaming about him and analysing every meeting that we had during that time, did he really want me or didn't he? When I asked him how he felt he said that nothing had changed and that the relationship was all one-way. He would only ever see me as a friend, even in the future if I was divorced. We get on so well, he admits that I know him better than most people and I feel such a strong affinity with him. He does treat me kindly, always has time for me and is concerned that he is the cause of this problem.
I have admitted to him in an e-mail that I am so in love with him.
He is leaving the area soon and our contact opportunities will virtually cease. I would like to think that he has built up a barrier and he does not allow himself to give away any feelings. He did say that he had his fingers burnt before and I know he really wants to dedicate himself to his job or maybe he just doesn't fancy me, but he is too well-bred to say this.
My husband neglected me emotionally some time ago and he has an intense and oppressive effect on me. He does support me practically but I feel that it is a soulless marriage. It is not intentional on his part, he is just very black and white and I am more vibrant and colourful. He's ready for pipe and slippers while I still want to kick ass. I can not help comparing the two men, which sheds such a negative light on my husband. If I stay with my husband I feel I'll be putting up with second best. I feel that getting divorced is the only chance that this wonderful guy will consider me, yet this seems unlikely, extreme and risky.
My husband knows all this, except for the intensity of my feelings. He says he must be a better husband. We have children together.
If I ask this guy again about his feelings for me, I will possibly test his patience and cause irreversible damage to our friendship. He was the one who taught me to hold on to my dreams: will he admire me more for doing so, or will he consider me to be pestering him?
What on earth do I do next?
Love, Anonymous Me xxx
The Mookychick answer to your problem
Ashley says...
Were the gender roles reversed, he'd be in the eye-rollingly typical
situation of victim of sexual harassment. He's smart enough to see how
you dishonestly comport yourself to the man with whom you're married
and have children and doesn't want to be in the same situation. He's
made it clear that he wants you not to mention it again. Good for him
and his barrier. He's got much more common sense than you. I can see you look up to his maturity, to let his good behaviour set you an example, and leave him
alone.
Magda says...
Hi hon, I do feel for you. Bringing up kids and being faithful over a length of time isn't easy. It seems to me that what is going on here is that it's not about the man, it's really about you. You have a yearning for freedom, adventure and growth (and probably good, varied sex).
The man you're referring to is quite sensible to have acknowledged but refused you. He's weighed up the options and has decided that his career is more important than becoming sexually intimate with you. You shouldn't consider a divorce to entice a man who hasn't risked anything of himself for you in the first place. This attraction to him isn't a problem for you - it's a blessing, because it's a wake-up call for you to put yourself first, too.
What you'd be best off doing is finding ways of getting creative and dynamised, and getting some of the go-getting you back. It's not entirely your husband's fault. You have your own responsibility to take care of yourself. If you don't have much time, you may want to start small - take on new artistic projects, keep a dream diary, write a poem a day. Also, we can't ignore that you've tried to change the direction of your life by falling for a man, so you're probably feeling sexually and emotionally neglected. Remember, regardless of what seems to be his character (because hey, we all fall into habits) your husband is a red-blooded male who would probably want the same things as you. You could start off small by suggesting you take a glass of wine in a shared bath. No-one likes to feel they're doing something wrong, and if you stress what you don't like about the relationship, your husband may feel it's unfixable and dig in his heels. Instead, try to find the strength of mind to suggest things you do want to do. Keep it positive, not negative.
Most importantly - forget the other man at work. However fantastic he is, he's just a sign for what's really going on in your life. What you are going to have to do is take care of your personal growth, and talk to the man you married. And listen as well as talk. Don't discuss the other man, of course, but before you start contemplating divorce, you'll need to get some real communication going.
Take care of yourself, my dear.
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