My friend cuts herself

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Amanda says...

Firstly, the majority of cutters are not suicidal - they're not trying to slit their wrists. They want to feel pain, not escape from it. Perhaps before you tackle your friend on the subject, or tell her parents or teacher, you should try to understand why people do it. And unfortunately, there are as many reasons as people. However, one thing they all seem to have in common is that once they start, they find the habit very difficult to stop, which suggests an addiction to the physical pain/emotional pain transference. Pain releases endorphins in the brain which cause a rush or a high. Some get addicted to tattoos or piercings, which most people find acceptable. However, cutting is a form of self mutilation that is considered socially unacceptable and is very misunderstood.

I suggest if you want to approach your friend sensitively about the subject, you need to have a good look at all the cutter help sites and blogs (and there are loads) out there.

http://teenadvice.about.com/od/cuttingbranding/

Will give you loads of links to other help sites and is a vast umbrella resource on the subject

http://recoveryourlife.com/default.aspx

Offers loads of suggestions and advice you could put to you friend

http://www.angelfire.com/ks/Cutters/why.html

A cutter's perspective

I have included an extract from this site set up by a practising cutter who's trying to make sense of her habit and kick it:

Most people think it's disgusting. Why in the world would anyone want to cut themselves on purpose? Are we sick? Maybe. But it's about feeling better. The most important thing to remember is that cutting is not a suicide attempt. Self-Injury and suicide are two very, very different things. Self-Injury is often what people do to keep themselves from suicide. Self-Injury is a quick fix. It's a coping method. And although it may not be the best coping method, it's still what gets us through.

Reasons why people self-injure:

1. It's chemical. Cutting releases endorphins in the brain. Those endorphins are adrenaline, which makes you feel better.

2. It puts you in control of your pain. You are causing the pain, and you can stop the pain.

3. It allows emotional pain to become physical. Not only does this make it easier to heal, it allows your feeling to become something tangible.

4. It makes you feel stronger.

5. Control, Control, CONTROL. Cutting makes me feel stronger. It puts me in control. No matter how my life seems to be spinning out of control, I am suddenly grounded. It clears my mind.

6. Eases tension.

7. It allows others to see your pain.

8. It reminds you that you're alive. Sometimes I forget, and everything feels numb. The blood reminds me I am here.

9. It vents anger. Sometimes I am just so angry at myself, the world, whoever, and I feel I'm just going to explode if I don't let it out.

There's an ad on Brit TV at the moment for Nike Endure trainers, and the song played over it goes:

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real

Your friend is obviously very unhappy at the moment and needs help, but you must go gently and be understanding. Cutters belong to an exclusive tribe and can become withdrawn and uncommunicative if you try to push them into doing something they're not ready for. If your school could put you in touch with a professional, you might explain the situation and get the counsellor to talk to your friend. But at the end of the day, like all addictions, your friend needs to want to stop doing it before she's going make any changes. Try to find out why she needed to do it in the first place (eg family problems, bullying, insecurity, etc) and urge her to see a counsellor about those issues and the cutting issue should come up and be tackled in the process.

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Ashley says...

Despite blanking you out, she's hurting, obviously, and she wants people to know it. There's obviously something going on, and it may be something that you, as a friend, would be best to help her with, or not. I'd say spend some serious time devoting yourself to just being an unjudging ear for her. Even if she thinks that no one could possibly understand what could drive her to do such a bizzare thing as slice herself up (feeling misunderstood is probably a great deal of what she's going through, which sort of lets this symptom spiral out of control) she needs someone to listen to her right now, and impartial adults (since so very few of them are cool) are liable to totally flip their lids about the situation and hustle her off into a therapy program that may just stuff the problem down and make it worse. If you really do feel her life is in danger, tell a trustworthy other person, but since she is only superficially cutting herself, at least she's got some restraint on the urge to do herself more harm.

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Debs says...

As you may be aware this sort of thing is called Self Harm. There's a number of differences between this and an actual suicide attempt. If your friend had really wanted to kill herself, she would, at best, be in hospital now.

Self Harm is a serious problem. It also comes in many different ways, some people may cut their arms, or wrists, some may cut their legs. Some will cut themselves in places that can easily be hidden, others won't. There's many ways to disguise self harm, for example, some people use piercings or tattoos instead, to get a similar, but lesser result. I know that's partly the reason I have tattoos and piercings. It is a very definite symptom of depression, very serious depression at that. Depression affects people in many, many different ways, not all depressives will cut themselves. Depressive people usually find that their emotions are suppressed, or dulled. Some people find a relief from this by cutting themselves. It means they actually feel something.

You are in a difficult situation, I'm afraid. Your friend will not want to talk about this, until they are ready to talk about this. Which can take years. She does need help, but telling her that will not mean she goes and gets it. The reason for her depression will be complex and she might not even understand why she feels this way. These reasons will also be very painful for her, which is why she retreated into depression in the first place, so she will not feel comfortable addressing them.

However, she does need help, which you obviously want to supply. You have to be very careful not to appear as though you are interfering in her life. Telling someone else may seem like a good idea, and it would help for you and her to get someone to talk to face to face regarding this, however she will feel betrayed by you if you do this behind her back. And, again, although talking to someone will help her, she will probably not feel comfortable talking to you about the problems she has. Also, you are not qualified to do this. She needs to be talking to a trained therapist who will help her.

So, what can you do? You can support her through this. This does not mean you can condone her cutting, but you can help her when she does. Most self harmers do not cut that deeply, but still need to ensure that their cuts are cleaned and dressed properly. You may also want to get some more information yourself on self harm, the NHS Direct site is a good starting place, which also has links to support groups, at http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/articles/article.aspx?articleId=454.

This isn't going to be easy for you or your friend and I wish you all the luck in the world. You can help her through this and things will get better for her. You just really need to be there for her and not to force her to talk about things she's not ready to talk about. You need to tell her that you're not going to force her, but let her know she can talk to you should she need to.

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Char says...

Dear Friend

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time. The first thing you need to do is approach with caution. You need to refrain from judging her or telling her what to do, as this can make things worse, it can make her feel more isolated and ashamed. Try to find a space and time, like maybe a walk in the park, where you can be alone and avoid interruption. Just be a good friend, let her talk, ask her why she does it (often people don't know why they do it, they just do) and try to help her find the help that she needs. Sometimes, there is no immediate help, and that can be incredibly frustrating and distressing for the person who needs the help, because its hard enough to broach the subject which we know has a lot of stigma attached to it, and sometimes it may feel as though the person who is self harming is not being taken seriously. Try to ignore shit doctors and professionals who say that it is attention seeking behaviour, or a typical teenage thing, or even, sometimes a fashion thing. If she's serious about this, you need to try to find out whether she has intentions of taking it further, ie thoughts of suicide, and if she does, then get her in touch with a person who can help her. I'm uncomfortable with telling you to go to her parents or your parents as sometimes this can make things worse. The last thing your friend needs is to be judged and critisised by people who may not understand what self harming is all about. Often, the person who self harms feels out of control of their life, they could feel detatched from life or be in so much emotional turmoil that they simply need to have some physical pain to compensate. Do your homework, try not to preach, listen and be sensitive to her needs. Together, you'll figure it out, but make sure there is some outlet for you too, a burden like this can be hard to carry, no matter how much you want to help.

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