Feminism is...
Home > Opinion > Advice Column
Your question: Should I get a tattoo even though my mum will hate it?
Dear Mookychick,
My problem is probably very routine for you guys, being the
alternative
femme fatales you are, but ever since I can remember I have wanted a tattoo. Not only
that,
but I have always loved them on anyone. When I was younger I was
always
drawing on myself and getting temporary ones.
Granted I have changed
my mind
a few over the years about what the tattoo I would get would be and
where it
would go, but normally it's because I thought if I got that, I would
be
unhappy with it in twenty years time (i.e. deciding maybe the chinese
symbol
for butterfly next to a fairy might be a bit done already).
Finally
this
year I asked my friend to draw me a design (which I love love love
now It's
done) that was very personal and special to me, because I am turning
18
this year, and wanted to commemorate it (also the age at which you
can get
one without consent, something my parents would NEVER give me).
The
problem
is my mum, who absolutely HATES tattoos. She sees them as a form of
self
mutilation. When I broached the subject with her (not for the first
time
either, she's known I was going to do this for ages) and she found
out where
I wanted it (on the juncture between the back of my neck and my
shoulder)
she absolutely blew up, got incredibly emotional and said, among
other
things, that I may as well walk around with slut branded on my
forehead. Not
quite the reaction I was hoping for.
My real problem is that for the
first
time in my life I feel like she would actually stop loving me, or at
least
never love me in the same way, if I get this tattoo. Already I'm
making
compromises on where it would go, how big it would be (it's pretty
small to
start with) because I just don't want her to hate me.
So I'm
basically
wondering whether or not I should sublimate something that's been a
part of
me for so long, something that I have wanted for so long so that I
can
please her or should I just resign myself to the fact that she
doesn't
understand that part of me, never will and get it anyway?
Thanks a bundle
Love, Anonymous Me xxx
The Mookychick answer to your problem
Ashley says...
Your mom is being reactionary, and the fact
that she thinks she can control what you, as an adult, do with your
body, especially by holding her love not-so-subtly over your head,
proves it.
My mom has her eyeliner tattooed on, and my dad is a big,
burly biker dude covered with a raft of tattoos, so I've never had
quite the same problem, but my dad was a little squeamish about me
emulating him and possibly regretting it. After four tattoos, I
haven't regretted any - but I've thought long and hard about each. One
thing I would advise you against is getting one in what seems like a
place that clothing might not always hide. And no, the point of
getting tattoos is not to hide them, but there will be plenty of times
when you want to treat them like hickeys and cover them up temporarily.
Don't let your mum come between you and the needle. She should be
thankful you're even asking her advice on anything (and that you're
not getting "piss off, mum" tattooed on your sternum). She hates them,
so don't let her whining compromise what you want to get - no matter
if you get a small pink heart in between your toes that says "mama's
girl", she'll pitch a fit.
Magda says...
If your mum has valid concerns, she's not expressing them very well, so she is already driving a rift between you. Her love is important to you and it should be, but the sort of love you should be aiming to share with your mum is one where you are both concerned for each other's wellbeing and progress through life.
A tattoo shouldn't be enough to break a proper loving relationship with your mum. It makes me wonder - does she have some control issues? Do you tend to say yes when you'd rather say no? Have there been other instances where you've held back to keep the peace, but because you really want this tattoo, you're thinking this might be a time to make a stand?
I'd suggest: Choose carefully where you have the tattoo, and make sure you can cover it up when necessary. Tell your mum you've decided you are going to get the tattoo, and that you've booked the appointment. She'll be shocked and emotional, and will hopefully get most of it out of her system in one go. You may need to remind her that you are on the whole a very good daughter and will continue to be so, albeit one with a tattoo, and it is not the first step down the rocky road to ruin. Explain to her you have chosen a design that is artistic and thoughtful, not one that is tacky and, indeed, worn by the kind of girls she might be fearing you'll become. Also explain to her that you know you can't see into your future but you're assuming you'll have a good career and have chosen an area of your skin to ink that can be easily covered in the workplace if needed.
You're 18. You can have a tattoo if you want one. And if a relationship breaks over an issue that, to the objective observer, is really small, then it's sadly a bit of a difficult relationship in the first place. If your mother doesn't feel better after awhile, it may be that you'll have to be the adult in this particular situation.
More Mooky Advice Links
Have you got something to say about this? Then say it on the Mookychick messageboard
www.relate.org.uk (Email counsellors about relationships)
Further links
