CRUELTY TO ANIMALS: CRUELTY TO DOLPHINS
by Senorita Canchita
Give the senorita a hand, mooksters. Everyone loves dolphins, so she's taking on a bit of a heavyweight in the animal kingdom...
There has for some time now, amongst the people who get their posters from Athena, been a trend for loving the new age dolphin.
This is how these people talk:
'Look at its cutesy little human-type face! Look at its intelligent modes of communication, and its amazing swimming ability! Hell, didn't you see Flipper?'
Well. Those 'cute' long noses are officially termed 'beaks'. and since did anything fishy have a beak? On top of which, that madly intelligent way of communication is actually snickering.
Listen. You can hear it if you tune in properly. They're not saying 'Look at that over there! A young girl in trouble, let's sound the alert!'
They're saying 'Ha ha ha ha - that twat.'
PLUS. The minute you get in the water to have a 'spiritual experience' swimming with them they'll do their damndest to bite off your arm.
That noise is just them arranging it.
Dolphins are cruel, violent, sexually abusive animals which make us admittedly dodgy humans look tame in comparison. If dolphins had a television station, it would be x-rated and Mary Whitehouse would be spinning in her grave.
Charges: Murder, attempted murder, and frequent gang rape of own species. Attempted murder of anybody who wants their food. Repeated attempted murder of humans after beguiling them by swimming past looking what people mistakenly call 'cute'. And they beat up seals.
Forget about sharks, we need to redress the balance and start being cruel back to dolphins.
Having given it much thought I think the best way of being cruel to a dolphin would be to start putting up public information signs where they can be sighted, warning that these animals are bitchy, freakish, and potentially murderous. Then they can go and find their own damn dinner once people stop feeding them. Dolphins are famous for bragging about their hallowed place in human affections, so the loss of face in the animal world is also an advantage to this technique.
Or you could tie a dolphin's flippers round its belly, so it can't swim properly and therefore can't attack people as severely. Or if you really hated a particular member of the dolphin race, you could always just plug the little hole in its head with a rubber stopper, or a bit of tissue (after all, there are lots of tissues and bits of rubber lying around in our polluted seas).
Yeah - then let's see how 'cute' they look.
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