CRUELTY TO ANIMALS: Ways To Survive Living With a Laotian Rock Rat
Ways To Survive Living With a Laotian Rock Rat
by Ashley "Danger" Meeks
Keep your pet Laotian rock-rat happy, from brushing its furry coat with sesame oil to stocking your fridge with rare butterflies and monitoring its television intake. A cared-for Laotian rock-rat is a happy Laotian rock-rat!
You know what they say about Laotian rock-rats, or kha-nyous. One is never enough! As is commonly known, Laotian rock-rats prefer the occasional group hangout, so purchase a posse of them. Fourteen or fifteen should cut it.
Without an abundance of limestone to keep their little noses and scrabbling claws busy, your Laotian Rock-Rats can become quite ill tempered. Goodbye green lawn! Good news - now's the perfect time for Val Verde limestone countertop.
To say that Laotian rock-rats don't get along well with children is the understatement of the year. However, if you keep your human young ones in a shed out back, it doesn't pique the kha-nyou utterly too much.
Keep your squirrelly friends looking their best with a twice-daily brushing with a light sesame oil and a camel hair brush, never petting against the grain and providing each with a private dust bath in a wee porcelain tub. But if your Laotian Rock-Rat becomes irritated and bites you, breaking the skin, apply hydrogen peroxide and seek veterinary help immediately. Do not, under any circumstances, alarm your rodent friend by shrieking at it hysterically.
A bitey reaction from your Laotian Rock Rat may indicate that it is malnourished and needs a wheat grass supplement. Sequestered from the miles of stony outcroppings of their home, they need plenty of exercise if they are to avoid slothfulness and malcontent. Yoga is recommended.
In addition to nibbling seeds and green shoots, Laotian rock-rats get peckish for bugs from time to time. Half the freezer should be stocked with crickets, honey ants, rare butterflies and smallish bats for the most aggressive of your brood. Stock up on jam - lingonberry, grape, marmalade and strawberry (both seeded and smooth). About 20 jars of each should do it. Apple butter is an unacceptable substitute.
Make sure you spend quality time with each of your Laotian rock-rats every day. Go for a walk together, catch up on conversation, sit down and share a dish of sunflower seeds (unsalted please), or just 'hang'. If possible, discussions about politics should be avoided. But take an interest in the media your Laotian rock rat is exposed to. If it begins wearing a trench coat, listening to emo music, flashing gang signs or hanging out with especially surly pals, maybe it's time to turn off The Sims House Party.
As for furthering their education, remember that many Laotian rock-rats these days consider college just an extension of the public education they receive in the wild. When you prepare to watch them spread their wings in the real world, don't give them a hard time if they can't choose a major for three years. But until they leave the house, the Laotian Rock-Rat gets the remote control on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoon, and all day Saturday and Sunday. And he prefers the premium cable package.
Ultimately, the key is mutual respect between you and your feisty kha-nyou. And respect their privacy as well: if you stumble across the cloth journal or the MySpace page of your young Laotian Rock-Rat, don't give in to the temptation to snoop. Remember what it was like to be that age?
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