CRUELTY TO ANIMALS: CRUELTY TO SHARKS
by Magda Knight
If God Exists He Is So Totally A Shark, else why would He bother?
Hopefully you care about politics and the environment. But you should still want to blow up sharks! I'm not saying you should of course... just that you should want to. What sane person wouldn't?
Why blow up sharks?
Mainly because of the flatness of their eyes really... they're always looking at you kind of funny, aren't they? It's plain rude. It's also a green-eyed monster case of jealousy on my part because sharks have been given more than their share of natural advantages, and if I can't have a tail then I don't see why they should have this little lot...
Sharks have 6 super-senses
Some people call sharks swimming computers because of the six senses that sharks possess. M. Night Shyamalan really missed the boat on his Bruce Willis film. Think of the deep 'creature from your worst nightmares' terror he could have brought about in cinemas if he'd just scrapped the whole scary little kid thing and admitted that the sixth sense was 'shark'...
Okay, swimming computers of the sea:
Vibrations: A shark senses vibration in the water. Struggling. Swimming for your life. Better not to.
Night Sight: Sharks have great vision (in colour; so up-to-date), anytime, anywhere. You move, they'll see you. Do you feel lucky?
Smell: Sharks have super-sensitive nostrils. If you hide unmoving, a shark will smell you out.
Hearing: Sharks hear sounds up to 0.6 miles away - about the length of ten football fields.
Electro-perception: Sharks can detect the electric fields emitted by every living animal. That's just taking the piss.
Taste: Sharks have taste-buds in their mouth, not their tongue. Covering a greater surface. So they even enjoy their meals more than other lower lifeforms!
And you all know the one about a shark's inability to stop moving. They just swim on and on and on and on... they never stop. They rarely tire. When they do sleep, it's probably on the move and eating things, just in case they wake up hungry, so they don't even have to be arsed to go to the fridge for a midnight snack.
Bearing all this in mind, here's a plan for how to rid of some shark.
See, and this is less well-known, some species of shark like to get high. They do! It's in National Geographic! They take fresh air like it's an opiate.
Not many people know this but there are these caves in the ocean, kind of bubbles, where the water is oxygen-rich. Sharks swarm to these highly-oxygenated aquatic opium dens and swim round and round in their hundreds, lost in dreams of death and perfection.
This isn't some riff, I assure you. This is real.
So, if a person - say, me - did want to blow up sharks, don't you think these dens filled with sauced-up lost-the-plot sharks would somehow feature? Of course they would! And some cheeky little explosive device would probably also be involved...
But I won't outline the rest of the plan. It's probably illegal and uncool, and I don't want to give anyone else ideas. Honest injun!
The final reasonable bit
Sharks have survived since forever. 430 million years, they say.
Sharks, bless their sweet monster-sized pumping hearts and their skin that rips you if you rub your hand down it the wrong way, are part of the ecosystem and have a role that some creature on this planet must fulfil if the world is to be bang to rights.
Fishermen kill an estimated 30 million to 100 million sharks every year. About 75 shark species are in danger of becoming extinct. Sharks barely ever see anything with arms and legs, and basking sharks are just big floating islands who couldn't swallow a bucket and spade.
Well, it had to be said, really...
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