UK politics - Nick Clegg, Love... and the Lib Dems

by Jo Middleton

If you have a crush on UK Lib Dem politician Nick Clegg, the best way to seduce them is clearly to do some fundraising, send them a picture of your boob and stalk them at Glastonbury...

My love of Liberal Democrat politicians started off as an innocent crush on my local parliamentary candidate back in 2005. He was tall and dashingly handsome, with a deep powerful voice that made me swoon just hearing it. In a bid to impress I took delivery of a stack of campaign leaflets and spent countless spring evenings battling with letterboxes and small dogs. I like to think my activism made a difference - he was elected in the May into a previously Conservative seat on a very small majority.

Hoorah! Phase one of 'seduce a Lib Dem' complete. Working as a fundraiser for a local charity, the opportunity soon arose to meet the man face to face. I was volunteering at the time as a breastfeeding counsellor and gave him a business card with a picture of me with one boob out. I felt I had made an impression.

My long term seduction plan continued and over the course of several months he got to actually know who I was. I was thrilled. I dragged my friends to a Liberal Democrat dinner and was beside myself with excitement when, the end of the evening, he told me I looked very lovely and kissed me on the cheek.

And then tragedy struck - I moved out of his constituency. What excuse could I have now for contacting him? I made one last ditch attempt to win his political heart and mind - literally offering to 'do my bit for the party' as an escort for any glamorous functions he might need to attend - but he remained unconvinced. My move was probably for the best.

Older and wiser, I scoured the political horizon for my next potential crush. I had dabbled in local politics and felt I needed a new challenge, to set my sights higher. As a former economics student I have always felt drawn to Gordon Brown, but just couldn't bring myself to imagine him naked. I tried to find David Cameron attractive - apparently people do - but ultimately I just can't love a Tory.

That left Nick Clegg. An unlikely subject some might say for a celebrity crush, but at least I wouldn't have to compromise my political ideals. Unfortunately, try as I might, he just wasn't doing it for me. He seemed rather bland, wimpish even. Until that is I sat within spitting distance of him (as if I would...) and heard him talk about his plans for tax reform...

It was summer this year, 2009, and I was at Glastonbury festival with my daughter. We were wandering aimlessly around the Green Fields and happened to pass the Speaker's Forum. Nick Clegg was going to speaking the next day after lunch and, always keen to force my teenager to take some kind of interest in politics, I insisted we return to see him. Wanting to ensure a good view, obviously, we arrived early and sat through an hour of poetry readings. The final poet to come on read out some very aggressive anti-lib-dem poetry that he had composed specially and I watched Nick Clegg standing forlornly backstage with his head in his hands.

Needless to say when the poet finished several members of the audience, myself included, booed very loudly and a small ruckus ensued with some shouting about freedom of speech. It was all terribly exciting. And then Clegg took the stage. I say stage; it was really more of a patch of grass, the Speaker's Forum being little more than a small open sided tent. Now obviously I agreed with everything he said - all very sensible - but for me it was far less about what he was saying and more about how he was saying it. Such confidence! Such poise! I was smitten.

The hour sped past as if in a dream. I tried to look earnest and nod my head seriously at all the right moments but fear I may have instead been staring, slack jawed, possibly drooling. It would appear I am a sucker for anyone who can talk with charm and self assurance about climate change and the minimum wage. At the end of the session I stood up and clapped and whooped, much to the embarrassment of my daughter, all the while resisting the powerful urge to yell out "Nick I love you!"

Now of course I know that Clegg is a family man and will never be mine (sob) but that is the beauty of this kind of crush. I wouldn't actually want to be married to the man, no more than I would want to be married to any man. I will be keeping this Lib Dem love affair purely in my imagination, where Nick can be infinitely charming and masterful and, given it is fantasy after all, possibly even win the election.

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