Festival tips – a festival survival guide

We Mookygirls love a good, loud, screamy festival occasionally. There’s nothing better than the thump of a distant bass drum as you drift off into a drunken sleep. This festival survival guide will make sure you come out the other side with fond memories, rather than head injuries and carnally transmitted badnesses.

1. Put some effing sunscreen on

I don’t know about other countries, but festivals in Australia are synonymous with drunken louts and sunburn. The latter you can avoid with careful hourly re-application of sunscreen after you’ve sweated the previous lot off. Unfortunately it isn’t as easy to sweat off the drunken men. In fact, the amount you sweat is inversely proportionate to the number of times a liquored up numbnuts says ‘Heeeeyyyyy girrrrrrllllssss, having fuuuunnnnn?’ Eww.

2. Don’t forget sustenance

I am a big believer in getting ratfaced on exorbitantly priced beer, but don’t forget to eat some food and drink plenty of water between your bevvies. It’s not fresh getting carted away in a big old ambulance on a hot festival day. Ruins your street cred, dudettes.

3. Make sure you have your favourite band t-shirt on

One of my oldest and mookiest friends and I have this game called ‘Tool’. The aim is to be the first person to see a Tool shirt, point directly at the wearer and scream ‘TOOL!’ at the top of your lungs. Festivals are like a smorgasbord for that game… Last time we played it, you should have seen those Goths scowling. Haha. Dark Lord Amber reigns supreme. Anyway, my point is this: how will other festival goers know of your indie roots, or metal knowledgabilityness, or Justin crush, if you don’t have your favourite band shirt on? It doesn’t matter how uncool people say it is, you aren’t serious about a festival unless everyone knows azactly what underground bands you listened to before they got signed to a major.

4. Have plenty of cash/be good at smuggling

Festival promoters like to think it’s reasonable to charge $65 for a hotdog that tastes like ass and watery beer, so you have to bring yourself a wad of cash, or be really good at smuggling an array of food and drinks past security. I would recommend the smuggling, because there’s never a cash machine at festivals, and besides, smuggling is way more fun. The trick is to have a bag (preferably with secret compartments) and cover its contents with a jumper or towel. Then get your wingwoman to play ‘distract the security guy with stunning intellect and glorious bubbies’ and you are home free. Tasty snacks a-plenty, the whole day through!

5. Have a sharp object handy

This is useful for getting through crowds with the greatest of ease, fending off aforementioned drunken losers and popping those Godforsaken blow-up thingies that people insist on obscuring your view of the stage with. NO GROWN MAN SHOULD BRING A GIANT INFLATABLE ALIEN TO A CONCERT.

6. Do not, under any circumstance, attempt to wear high heels

I don’t care if you are trying to impress the Insane Clown Posse or whatever the kids are listening to these days. IT IS NOT OK TO WEAR HIGH HEELS TO A FESTIVAL.

7. Keep your friends in sight

Worst scenario ever: your phone is flat or has crappy festival reception, you are looking for hours for your dehydrated, sunburned, upper-chowing friends and they have your bag, complete with wallet, keys, sunscreen and food. After all your hard work smuggling your stuff in, you have to miss the best set of the day because you’re worried your best friend is making out with a sweatpig in a port-a-loo.

8. Remember to bring clean underwear

If you are camping out, there is nothing grosser than having to wear your wet, stinky clothes 3 days in a row. At least you can freshen up with new knickers, and this will prevent you from going clinically insane. Also helpful if you plan on playing doctors and nurses with a cute indie rock boy, because nothing says ‘Abort Mission’ like skanky pants.

9. Play nice

We all know the difference between a good time and a bad time at a festival is the people. So be respectful, let short people stand in front of you, don’t push, minimise scoffing at clueless nu-metal fans (note to self: take own advice) and be a lover, not a fighter. Big crowds can be dangerous and scary if you aren’t careful, so don’t ruin your buzz by getting yourself in trouble.