Funky christmas ideas
From not drinking reindeer wee to not eating pretty little salt dough decorations, here are nearly a million and one ways to have a funky, punky, mooky little christmas. Mwah!
- Wrap up your Christmas presents with lots and lots of sellotape and enjoy watching your friends and relatives trying to get into them. Ha ha! Greed is good! Desperation is even better!
- Get some reindeer antlers and wear them everywhere as if you’re Bjork or a weird Christmas shaman. Don’t, however, actually BE a weird Christmas shaman because then you’ll have to drink reindeer pee to match your outfit. Reindeers eat magic mushrooms and their pee has unusual properties – but shamans are used to drinking the strong stuff; you’re not.
- Make people Christmas presents yourself and in the messiest way possible. Paint, shiny paper and Pritt stick, we worship you.
- Make decorations out of salt dough. Don’t eat it though; it’s VERY salty. Salt dough is messy and squishy and fun and you can make very cute decorations with it. If all else fails salt dough fights are a possibility… and for added fun, once it sets, it sticks like nothing else.
- Make your own Christmas crackers. Fill them with Halloween gifts.
- Start playing Christmas songs in early December. Sing to them loudly.
- Sing Jingle Bells on the train to work and get it in everyone’s head.
- Have a laugh putting up the Christmas tree. If you have a plastic one and try getting it out of the loft, make sure you drop it and all the little bits of pretend tree come out.
- Instead of having to sit through ‘Santa Clause’ one more time, make your loved ones watch ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’.
- Get an advent calendar. Christmas is not the same without it.
- Put out your stocking for parents or flatmates to fill and make a very big deal of it. F*ck Santa. Little stocking presents are the best.
- Wake the house up at 5am on Christmas Day, either with a large Christmas bugle or by mewing piteously and scratching at their door.
- Have a competition with your friends to see who can get the most Christmas cards. If you have competitive friends, this could get pleasingly vicious.
- Go to various Christmas parties and get very drunk. It’s the only time of year it’s acceptable to eat lots of mince pies, get pissed, and sing karaoke.
- Do your own balletic version of ‘The Nucracker’ and leap around like a demented ballerina. For maximum effect do this in a snow-filled park, when Christmas shopping, or at a party.
- Buy a turkey early, but pretend you haven’t. Wait until there’s one turkey left in the shop on Christmas eve and then have a dramatic fight for it with the customer who tries to buy it. Remember to use your teeth and hands – turkey death-fight!
- Decorate the house with excessive amounts of tinsel and fairy lights when everyone’s out. They will love you for it.
- When your family have a big fight over Christmas dinner, take photos to look back on the fun memories. Remember to catch their outraged expressions. They’ll really thank you for being reminded of this for months to come.