How to get into places you don’t belong

Call it ligging. Call it social hacking. Call it loitering. Here are some little tips for how to get into places you don’t belong. Let it be our little secret…

Growing up as the only child in the family I learnt to make my own fun. As soon as I got a bit of independence, I discovered that the best fun can be had getting into places that are off-limits. So, in the interest of spreading a little more excitement in the world; here’s everything I have ever learned about loitering. Follow at your own risk, my kinky vixens.

1. A smile and a polite attitude will unlock more doors than a skeleton key ever could

Okay, so just being let into places isn’t as exciting as using a hairpin to crack the safe and other clichés. However, I’m working on the assumption that you’re breaking and entering for fun, not profit. And the best, most fun private places will almost always let you in if you just pretend like you belong there. This is also how you get into clubs without paying entry (known as ligging, to which Mookychick also has a tidy little guide), and get backstage at a concert. Also, try to attract the attention of people who will have keys to let you in. Criminals sneak, adventure seekers and buccaneers ask nicely. Just smile, be polite and confidently tell them a bald-faced lie. Keep it short and realistic, and never, ever say “Don’t you know who I AM?” Bouncers eat that stuff up, and then throw you right the hell out, oftentimes by the scruff of your neck if you’re little like me. Acceptable lies are:

“Can you help me find my friend; he’s about 5’11”, with brown hair?”(At any time, in any place, there is a boy of that description. Always)

“Sorry, I was here earlier and left my phone, could you open the door?”

2. Some of the coolest places don’t lock their doors

Like the storage facilities at any number of galleries, and the food preparation room in the zoo [fun fact: last time I got in they were making icy poles for the elephants with buckets of water and watermelon]. Always check to see if the door is locked, and go through every unlocked door in a building.

3. Be a lone wolf, not a pack labrador

Never do this with friends. For one, it’s totally not cool to get busted and give your friends a criminal record when all they wanted to do was stay in and watch TV [This is the opening sentence to my 4000 word opinion piece entitled “Ferris Bueller was actually a dick”]. For two, you will definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY get caught if there’s more than one of you.

4. That Hairpin thing? Bullshit. Forks are where it’s at.

You cannot pick a lock with a hairpin. [For legal purposes, you are picking your own locks, because you have lost the key. You are not picking another person’s lock]. You can try and file a hairpin into a decent tool, but they no longer make steel hairpins [the only kind strong enough to pick locks], so it’s going to be a bust anyway. As an aside, they stopped making durable hairpins because people kept using them to break into buildings. True story. However, you can make a decent break-into-your-own-lock tool for the cost of one stainless steel fork, plus however much it will cost you to grind it down [it cost me nothing, but I have a killer smile]. Break off the outer two tines and one in the middle, and then grind the remaining single tine to a very fine point. Presto: You’ve created an impromptu key for the lock that is definitely, definitely yours. I would now direct your attention to any number of YouTube videos on how to use your new tool. Have fun! Stay on the path of righteousness!