How to be a monster hunter
If you failed to take the Monster Hunting course at your local community college, the best we can do is arm you with a little knowledge to survive your first encounter.
If you’re thinking of hunting Victorian monsters, stop reading now. Go and buy How to Bag a Jabberwock.
I am assuming, since you’re reading this, that you are too lazy or cheap to take the Monster Hunting course at your local community college. I’m flattered that you think this will be a sufficient substitute, but somewhat concerned about your mental health.
I’m not sure why you decided to hunt monsters. Are you? After all, you will be in danger all the time and you will never have a love life because if you tell your date that you hunt monsters they will think you’re addled in the head. Also, you will probably have to get a second job, because the government doesn’t fund monster hunting. If you’re an official bounty hunter, in some countries you may get government funding. However, you will probably be a cold-hearted douche bag no normal citizen would wish to consort with.
If you’ve already taken these considerations into account, read on. ‘Tis time to destroy some monster face…
Don’t be stupid, stupid.
To come off victorious in a monster fight you need to get your head out of your derriere. Done? Let’s move on…
- Wear armour. Leather’s pretty. If you’re strong enough to carry it, metal’s best. Think of St George and the dragon. If you’re a weakling, avoid metal armour at all costs- one push from a monster and you’ll end up beetled on your back.
- Never, ever get into a grudge match with a monster you have emotional ties to. Whether it’s the bridge troll who killed your grandmother, or the vampire who was your childhood friend… Get somebody else to off the beastie. Don’t get involved if you have ties. Just don’t.
- Don’t fall in love with monsters. Don’t even have one-night stands with them. Later down the line, one of you will have to kill the other. Think of the monster’s emotional fragility as well as your own and don’t do it – don’t fall in love.
- Don’t skimp. Don’t skimp on armour, nor on weapons, nor on knowledge… oh wait, you already did that. Are you quite sure you can’t afford that community college course?
- Don’t be sentimental. A baby monster is still a monster.
- Sever ties: If you have family or friends that can stand to be in your death-dealing presence, any monster that is smarter than you will be sure to kidnap them and use them to get at you. Once you’ve shunned your loved ones you’re fine, go about your business.
- No drinking: That’s right, if you’re going to hunt monsters you can’t be drinking. You have to constantly be ready for anything and that means not lying on the floor in your own vomit. Don’t forget alcohol is a depressant. The morning after a long stint in a whiskey bar, you may wonder if all this monster-killing is really worth it, and why are they labelled monsters, anyway. That’s when any monster with sense will attack.
- No smoking: you have to be able to keep up with the monsters you are going to hunt, so you can’t be wheezing all the time. The monster may decide to hide up a flight of stairs, or on a bus that’s just pulling away from the bus stop.
- Diet and exercise: you’ve got to be healthy and fit if you don’t want to get your butt kicked by the first baby troll that comes along.
- Wear clothes that blend in with your surroundings. Camouflage is your friend.
- Get skills. Karate skills, boxing skills, nun-chuck skills, awesome library research skills… it doesn’t really matter what kind. You need an edge.
- Be broody and mysterious it won’t help you stay alive, but it will make you seem rather cool.
Some say the sneakiest monsters hide on the inside. I shall leave the psychology to you. If that is the case, choose your modus operandi carefully.
Other than that, you basically just need to read up on monsters and wait. If you’re a rank beginner, you won’t have to wait long. Trouble will find you.