How to survive Valentines Day
by Debbie Read
I know that just by writing this article I am actually insulting your intelligence - it's a commercial day for people who want to spend ridiculous amounts of money on overpriced flowers and chocolates - and as if men need an excuse to treat girls just one day a year - we need to get pampered every week! But, if this article makes you smile, or even less bitter, then I've done my job.
1) Bury yourself in a nuclear bomb shelter from now until March.
If it's going to really upset you I'm afraid you're just going to have to hibernate for a month. Make sure you have sweeties, thermal PJs (NOT cool but you're in a nuclear war bunker- mightily chilly) good books and some good music. You're gonna be in there a while.
2) Send yourself flowers
That old chestnut! But if you really care and no one would find out why not? Although it is ridiculously expensive and I might have to suggest you see a therapist- why not? You get fussed over as people think someone loves you and you also get to treat yourself coz you're definitely worth it!
3) Voodoo dolls of ex-boyfriends
They're complete idiots for letting you go, they carelessly broke your heart and now they're going to pay! Play nicely girls!
4) Water the couples!
Can be played in a pack (although technically that's gang warfare girlies) so better play alone. Coupley couples that are oh so in love and really need to get a room are your target. Simply throw a bucket of water over the revolting couple and be on your way. No one gets hurt and you get to wreak sweet revenge...
5) Share the love
All your girlfriends single? Send cards and penny sweets to let them know that they're fabulosa amazing in every way.
6) Cry
Spend the whole day crying at the lack of cards and flowers. Not recommended for those with dignity
6) Pamper yourself
Similar to the bomb shelter, but less extreme. Have a hot bath listening to your favourite music, get into your best PJs and settle in front of the TV for your favourite flicks.
7) Gorge yourself on chocolate
Not for dieters, but we know that chocolate is the real love of girls lives so spoil yourself! And don't worry about working it off, just this once won't hurt...
8) Give to a stranger
To make someone feel good, simply buy a bunch of flowers and give them to the first person you see. It'll cheer up their day and yours. Doesn't necessarily have to be done on valentines day but for the purposes of this article (a girls gotta eat!) we're using it!
9) Gay friend
Take your gay friend out for a meal. No-one has to know!
10) Dignity
Keep your chin held high as it should be honeys- we don't need Valentines day to stroke our egos, we know we're absolutely gorgeous with or without a dumbass card and we're far too sophisticated to be bothered!
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Debbie Read was born with a week early with a navy blue face. She hated school with a passion but had the best three years of her life in university. She jumped out of a plane at 14,000 feet because her mate said it was a good idea. Her grandmother is so desperate for her to get married she's planning to sell her off for a camel, so if you don't hear from Debbie in the near future, call the police. Until recently she had plans to take over the world with bunnies because no-one suspects them, but now she's told you, so it won't work... damn!
