20 WAYS TO SURVIVE AN UNDERGROUND JOURNEY

Whether the problem is bombs, crazy bastards or boredom, our guide to 20 ways to survive an underground journey will remove your underground train phobias for ever.

by Magda Knight

1) Save your money and move to Russia. Their underground system has pretty chandeliers and marble floors and tube journeys cost about 20 pee / 40 cents.

2) Learn to love other people's music. If someone is listening to loud rock through cheap headphones or expensive mobile phones with crap speakers stand as close to them as possible.

3) If you're strapped for cash on the London Underground start singing loudly and demanding money with menaces.

4) Alternatively, get everyone to join in with a sing-song.

5) See if you can pee on your seat without anyone noticing. Everyone else does it.

6) More ways to save money! Get on a tube hungry and eat all the leftovers lying around. This is not only money-smart but healthy as you will end up with the consitution of a pigeon.

7) Stare at fellow passengers on long journeys and play 'bed, wed or dead'. Voice your opinions out loud.

8) If someone starts acting crazy on the tube huddle into a small ball that screams 'I'm not here'. Everyone else does it.

9) Get it out of your system. Pretend it's an emergency and break the glass.

10) Play 'stroke a stranger' (stroke a stranger's arm unaggressively but with determination. See their eyes glaze over as they try to figure out how to respond. Do not do this if you are a boy, you will get punched).

11) Do not hold a big bag between you and the person in front to make the infra-red think you are one big fat person and thus escape through the barriers without paying. That is illegal.

12) If the tube breaks down pretend you are in Siberia. Offer everyone smelly sausage and cheese from a basket and ask everyone what you should do when the wolves come.

13) If there is a bomb scare decide if you'll be someone who tries to be leader but doesn't do anything (along with all the other leaders) or a follower who makes life easier for everyone. Or faint.

14) Perfect a gormless stare.

15) Engage in mortal combat with your worst enemy. Start off in the carriage, but make sure your finale is on the roof of the carriage as the train careers through tunnels.

16) When buying tickets, attempt to put your credit card in the money slot and money in the credit card slot. Preferably when you are at the head of a long queue.

17) Celebrate your birthday by taking friends round the Circle line on a rat-counting safari.

18) Make friends and influence passengers. Loudly demand the building of mobile phone networks underground.

19) Make friends and influence passengers. Buy a 'NOT A TERRORIST' t-shirt.

20) Get a job on the underground. See the nightmare from the other side.

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