How to be a mad scientist
Let us say, for the sake of argument, that you already are a mad scientist. Well done! The problem is that no-one’s noticed. Sadly, that’s entirely your fault. If you want your laboratory to be burned to the ground by the aryan do-gooder hero/heroine, shouldn’t you be trying a little… bit… harder?
Mookettes, Mookydukes – sometimes we all feel like becoming a mad scientist. Even if we suck at science, the idea of bolts of lightning crashing around us as our gigantic robot frankenduck awakens from hibernation is exhilerating. Some of us go the extra mile and live out our dreams. Let’s say that’s you! You have actually become a mad scientist. You have stopped cleaning under your fingernails, because there is too little time for social niceties. So many worlds to conquer, so little time. You have even, which is so rare for mad scientists these days, learned a modicum of science.
The problem is, people still haven’t noticed. The fools! So what are you going to do about it? Cry yourself a river in your subterranean laboratory (okay, parents’ basement)? Or will you go the extra mile and really give people something to talk about?
1. Mad Scientist hair
First off, the hair. Yes, of course it’s important. Getting the hair right is not shallow at all. Regardless of gender, all mad scientists have grey spiky hair. If you’re a lazy mad scientist you may think of buying a wig, but that is not good enough! Buying a wig is neither evil nor mad! What you need to do is lure an old granny or grandpa into an alleyway and shave all their lovely grey hair off. Give them music to listen to so they don’t hear the razor, and take their glasses off because spectacles will get in the way of the nice head massage you will, of course, give them. Being a mad scientist means being a perfectionist and getting it right, even down to the smallest detail. Dispose of your victim, get some gel and mould your new grey hair into a vision of evil spiky madness. Glue the results to a beanie hat or swimming cap. Alternatively, walk into a hairdresser’s with a photo of Doc Brown from “Back to the future” and say “make me look like this, good sir”.
2. Mad Scientist Evil laugh
Just as each clown has his unique signature facepaint style, each mad scientist has their unique evil laugh.
Practise your signature evil laugh. Practise it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again. And again. And… again.
Once this is done and you’re happy with the results you need to recite the evil laugh oath:
I (insert name here) solemnly swear on the devil himself (or Foucault’s theorem)
that whenever I commit a deviously sly and intelligently evil crime
I shall intone the evil laugh with all my heart:
MWA HA HA Ha ha ha MWA HA HA Ha ha ha mwe he hee
3. Mad scientist lab coat
You could just steal a doctor’s coat from your local hospital. But where’s the fun in that? Also, with budget cuts, stealing from the NHS would be just a little bit too evil, even for you.
Plan B (and it’s a great Plan B) is to steal the lab coat from well-respected chemist Henry Eyring (1901-1981). That means you’re gonna have to do some grave digging! I have been told by some highly trusted sources that Mr. Henry was buried with his precious lab coat somewere in the South American / Mexico Regions. Of course, only one of you reading this will be able to steal his lab coat because Mr. Henry only wore one lab coat. That’s because he was only a chemist – he wasn’t actually mad. So only one of you will be able to be a proper mad scientist. First one to Mr. Henry’s coffin is a real official mad scientist! Everyone else is a looo-o-o-o-o-ser…
4. Mad scientist secret lab
Now you have proceeded to the next level of despicable mad scientism and are in need of a secret lab. You can find one or build one. I can’t tell you how to locate a secret lab. If I did, I’d know its location and then it wouldn’t be a secret.
If you’re really not sure and need some tips, a quick and simple lab is right here in your own home. Your bathroom! Simply tear out your bath and flip it over and you have the perfect lab table. Just don’t tell anyone where your bathroom is, because then your lab won’t be secret anymore…
Once you’ve found or built your secret lab, don’t forget: MWA HA Ha ha ha MWA HA Ha ha ha MWE he he he…
6. Mad scientist lab equipment
Where are you going to buy your mad scientist lab equipment? From here, my friend! Oh, yes… as I do not know how to mould glass, I have sent you on a little virtual shopping trip. Remember: No need for tongs or safety goggles. I thought we were mad scientists! Mad scientists are not cautious. If we get burned and sprayed and splashed and gagged by smoke it means we are a misunderstood genius with an evil scar.
Now set your lab equipment out neatly. Don’t forget to buy a smoke machine. While you’re being a mad genius it’s important to not be able to see what you’re doing. Lastly, for a truly evil look, install some balloons.
7. Wait – I’m a mad scientist! What should I do with my balloons?
Remember when you were a small child dissecting bees’ bodies and filling them with volcano mixture to make them explode? Well we’re going to take a trip down memory lane. Yes, we are going to fill these balloons with volcano mixture ( vinegar, baking soda and sand – as if you have forgotten!). If you’re going with the bathroom-flavoured secret lab, stand on your toilet seat (conveniently placed by your lab table – also great as a seat and lavatory). With a needle, pop the balloons whilst you throw them around with mad abandon.
And this, I fear, is where I leave you young ones to live the mad scientist dream. Good luck and may the madness never die. And remember – the last one to Henry Eyring’s lab coat is a looo-o-o-o-o-ser…!
Look like this. Be like this. Huzzah!
Respected chemist Henry Eyring. He is the awesome.
Doc Brown from ‘Back To The Future’. A total hero. Also, a scientist. Also, mad.