10 Ideas for Mooky Christmas Presents

10 Ideas for Mooky Christmas Presents, from geocaching days and personalised photo rock wristbands from Thor’s Hammer to tiny short stories printed onto canvas. Sod Amazon and their pink-hued Christmas gift ideas for girls.

The lurid, misshapen form of Christmas is hulking over the horizon. The time to panic-shop is upon us once more. This year, to spare myself the trauma, I hit up Amazon and with a tiny bleat of gratitude, trod the sheep’s path towards the “Gifts & Wish Lists” section. Ready made suggestions for all the family. Genius! OR WAS IT? Because to my horror, while the gifts for Boyfriends/Husbands included “DSLR cameras “and “multitools”, their female counterparts were destined for “Diamonds & Gemstones” and “Romantic Comedies”. Romantic Comedies. I shivered. “What Women Want”, indeed.

Pretty much everyone I know would prefer a digital SLR or a shiny new multitool to a fricking rom-com. Alright, you might be on a budget, but lest you present your mooky ones with MARLEY AND ME and spend the rest of Christmas looking for your teeth, here are 10 better suggestions:

1. A home made red letter day. You can’t afford to give a track day in a Ferrari, but you’re armed with a great imagination. A challenge is always fun; a day geocaching (with you as the chauffeur), or a tour of your city’s scariest flat-roof pubs (complete with checklist of “sights”; man giving pork scratching to pitbull, nana in fluoro leggings, etc).

2. Get a massive picture printed. It could be a photo of the two of you, or it could be a print of their favourite comic book character. Even better, get a picture with a twist, like gorgeous canvas ones with text.

3. Yes – a multitool. 1000% better than a diamond. Would Bear Grylls be able to make a sleeping bag out of an angry moose, armed only with a diamond ring? No, he would probably eat the ring instead, but that’s beside the point. This Skeletool is always a good option.

4. Custom jewellery. Less of a ripoff than the high street, and much more likely to include your friend’s skull/cat/Cthulhu/monochrome obsession. Lots of bead shops do a beading service if you’re too cack-handed to make it yourself. Also check out the custom photo wristbands at Thor’s Hammer – pure rawk.

5. Emergency night out kit. Could be a kid’s lunchbox or a velvet bag, just fill it full of everything your loved one could need in the case of an impromptu festive bender after work. Eyeliner, perfume, miniature of Hendricks gin (or a little green bottle from the Absinthe fairy, cab fare; from wage slavin’ to misbehavin’ in 0-60!

6. For the gamers in your life, it’s often hard to guess which titles they’ve already snapped up for themselves. PC gamers will love a gift voucher from Steam; if they’ve already got Skyrim, you won’t duplicate it, and if they haven’t, they won’t have to shed valuable nerd points by admitting it.

7. Music. Preferably an antidote to whatever steaming X Factor turd is served up as a Christmas no. 1 this year (although you could always dress a CD in a Jedward cover and film the reaction). Go instead for at mix, or even better, something your giftee has never heard of. You could even risk it and go for something you’ve never heard of. Picking out CDs with your eyes closed, or buying anything with the word of your choice in the title (Tesla? Sanctuary? You decide) is a surprisingly fun way to choose music. The Misfits! Terrorvision! FM Belfast! Jedward! Sh*t.

8. It’s possible that at least one of your friends, does in fact, respond favourably to girly pressies.  A promise of a vintage hairstyle at a local salon the next time you go out, for example; some salons like Vintage Hair Lounge do gift cards.

9. Booze is a wicked gift, but it’s not always socially responsible. To make sure your recipient’s conscience rests easy, remind them of that time they drank 3 bottles of Pinot Grigio, fought a postbox, puked on the neighbour’s Clio and called the dog a dickhead. Then give them a nice case of ethical Fairtrade wine from the Traid Craft Shop.

10. LEGO avengers assemble! Let LEGO help you out with the coolest Christmas decorations ever.

The Skeletool. Even Carrie Berluddy Bradshaw would want one of these.