Feminism is...
20 WAYS: 10 WAYS TO SURVIVE AUSTRALIAN MEN
Australian men are pretty much from the same pot as other XY specimens, except they have a bit more sand down their pants. Amber McGown-Rules explains how to survive the malleable boythings that are aussie menfolk, and get azactly what you want from them...
by Amber McGown-Rules
Australian men. I'm surrounded by them. If you're not Australian, you probably think they're all bronzed, buffed, blonde haired beach bums with charming smiles and even more charming accents. Bahhhh. What crap.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are plenty of Australian men who are like that. Just not the places I hang out. The beach and I don't agree, you see, so it's the seedy flipside subculture of the Australian dream that I have wound up spending my time (and money) being a part of. No sun for me, no way so therefore no surfer boys with abdominals you could grate cheese on.
Now, I'm not by any means the most learned when it comes to dealing with Australian boys but I like to think that I've got a handle on the psyche of these malleable boythings enough to give all you Mookybabes a good and proper lesson on how to deal with these strange, exotic creatures, and get what you want out of them (in a completely politically correct, feminist observing, non-emasculating way... naturally.) Of course, I'd say that Australian men are pretty much from the same pot as most other XY specimens, except maybe some of our boys have a bit more sand down their pants.
Know how to knock back a few beers.
I have never seen Australian boys so impressed when chickas can throw back a 6-pack in quick succession and let out a lengthy burp afterwards. Instant respect, just add beer.
Know how to get in a bar fight.
Even if they pretend not to be, boys are impressed by girls who can sock it to a grown man. (The 'paying a burly security guy to take a hit for the sake of getting laid' tactic can be deployed, but only if you REALLY like him. Or, y'know, haven't done it in a while.)
Drop C bombs like you're a truck driver
Dirty mouth = dirty mind. Boys love that crap.
Listen to shouty music
I recommend doing this only if you love loud, raucous music for authenticity's sake, but I can tell you all the girls I know that love loud music have the boys dribb-A-ling. I think it's because you probably won't want to talk about your feelings the morning after cause you won't be able to hear for the tinnitus.
Get a tattoo
Again, not something I'd recommend for the sole purpose of impressing a boy but most of the fellas I've come across have hard-ons for girls who are more badass than they are. I think subconsciously they like the idea of their girly beating the manhood out of them. (For the record boys I am happy to do this. Just say the word and I'll be over with a blunt object and my kissin' face on.)
Don't drive like a girl
You heard me. If you own an automatic, sell it now! If you squeal when you hit a bird, control yourself! And for the love of all things holy, DO NOT APPLY MAKE-UP IN THE CAR. This is a sure fire way to get a big fat lecture about how girls can't drive blah blah blah, and the correct response is not 'I'm sorry dear I tuned out when I stopped talking can you please hold my lipgloss while I change gears with my knees?'
Let them go out with 'the boys'
And don't ask questions about it afterwards either, for your sake and theirs. You can pretty much assume they've been a drunken assface all night anyway. If you're not in a relationship, don't chastise them for being reprobates when there are no girls around. It just fuels the silly little creatures to be even stupider next time they do it.
Aussie men need food. Feed them
Seems simple and a bit Neolithic, but I'm tellin' you ladies feed him up and you get whatever you gots your mind on. (Perhaps not too full if you plan on getting active, if you dig. Nothing impedes like a belly full of food when you're trying to get all Marvin Gaye on someone)
Reassure them
Yes, I think you're great. Yes, you are very good at fixing things. No, size doesn't matter. (I didn't say be honest.)
Let them sleep without having to spoon
Every single boy I have ever bunked with had this weird thing (particularly this one dude) with touching while trying to sleep. Most boys are reasonable they'll give you some hugs and THEN roll over. But this one dude he had a total touch ban out on me. It was like a tiny little restraining order in my bed. Anyway, the point is don't take it personally if they don't want to sleep wrapped in your arms. After all, they are the ones who get the pins and needles when their arm gets stuck under you and they can't move for 8 hours.
Amber Rules is an Australian gal who works with musicians, actors and other such unreliable types. She is also a part time writer and photographer who loves beer, swear words and boys with red hair. You can read her self-absorbed rants at www.sleepthroughthis.blogspot.com
