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Top ways to stand out in the crowd
by Ruby Mae James
Oops! Sorry, I didn't see you there. Feel like you are invisible? No one ever notices you? Might as well not exist? Well, if there is one thing I know how to do, it's how to make a prat of myself in public. Get ready for attention with this quick guide on how to get noticed. Just ignore the pointing and laughing; it's all part of the joy.
- Paint yourself blue and stand in the middle of a busy shopping centre in your best pose, only moving to dodge flying cans of Pepsi from 15 year old boys.
- Roll around in mud in the park to the bemusement of dog walkers.
- Dress up as a pirate and stand behind old ladies in Somerfield supermarket going "Arrrrgh!".
- Hire a monkey costume for the day and walk around Mothercare with a toy monkey looking for clothes as “Steven grows out of them so quickly”.
- Pretending to be a drunken tramp at a bus station can do two things. One: Allow you to shout abuse at strangers. Two: Earn up to 50p when a little old lady takes pity on you.
- Invent a one man/woman parade and do all the movements, sounds, and cheers on the way to the post office.
- Set fire to yourself – This one you can only really do once.
- Woo the local stud by turning up at his house having shaved your head and had “I heart (insert name here)” tattooed on the top, with your fist outstretched towards him filled with your old locks, screaming “I DID THIS FOR YOU!” I promise he will never forget you.
- Wear all your clothes at the same time. Don't do this on a hot day or when you are running for a bus.
- Wear no clothes at all. Don't do this on a cold day or when you are running for the bus.
- Give everyone you bump into a signed photo of yourself in full buddy pose.
- Turn up at work dressed as a different super hero everyday. It's not everyday you miss Wonder Woman using the photocopier.
- Make a bust of yourself out of cream cheese.
- Pretend to be French in McDonalds (complete with stereotypical beret) and hold up the queue for 20 minutes looking up the word “nugget” in your phrase book.
- Make your own clothes. Out of crisp packets.
- If you attempt all of these and have no success, may I suggest committing crime? Nothing fills the family with more joy and wonder than to see a mugshot of you on Crime Watch UK, followed by CCTV footage of you ramraiding Woolworths and stealing all the pick and mix.
Disclaimer: The writer of this article accepts no responsibility if you attempt the acts listed and wind up arrested and in jail as it's your own fault for getting caught in the first place.
About the author
Ruby Mae James is a performance artist/comedian/writer who does a sideline in supervillainry and eating pic'n'mix. She drinks only babycham and wanders around the house in 50's style cocktail dresses, Elvis shades and bunny slippers pretending to be profound.
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