Depression, and now my boyfriend has dumped me

Dear Mookychick,

On the face of it, i may look pretty successful, but all Summer (and some time before, for various reasons) i have suffered with intense depression / self harm.

My boyfriend who i love with all my heart, whom I can’t imagine living without, has tried to support me throughout this summer that we’ve been together, but now my problem is this – – – – He’s dumped me.

In the few weeks before he went to a car rally in Rome, we had a tough time. I’d had an allergic reaction to my medicine and was even more anxious and depressed than normal, and we also had a car crash — writing his car off —- and that was due to me, we were rowing at the time…

We’ve had such intense highs, and such low lows….

He had an amazing time in Rome, with the boys getting pissed, mucking about with cars…

He came back wednesday night, came to see me, made love, was all over me, and because he didn’t go straight home afterwards, i sent an angry text accusing him of being with another girl.

He assured me he loved me, and came over to have a proper ‘talk’ with me on the Thursday. Again, i cried, he said he wasn’t dumping me and we made love.

On the Friday, he said that he thought i only wanted to be with him for the security of a house he’s bought which were were going to move in together (in a matter of weeks).

The Friday, he called and was coming over and was happy about it, said he’d got dressed up. And i was happy too, but he said he couldnt stay all weekend, and i went mad because i felt he wasnt spending enough time.

I’m afraid to say i pushed him to his limits, and he came over to finish things with me. He cried, and i cried and i got drunk and harmed myself.

He says he doesn’t love me as much as he used to. He says that it’s over and right now it feels wrong for him and that i’m not right for him. He doesnt think this will change, the way he feels now.

I’m distraught, nothing feels right, nothing feels good, i don’t know what to do.

What hurts the most, is that immediately i mean its only been a few days. he’s changed his status to single on myspace, deleted my pictures, deleted my comments….he’s put his profile back on faceparty…i feel like i have meant nothing to him.

He’s supposed to get his stuff on Friday, should i be there when he comes around? At first i was adamant, but now i’m not so sure…

He says give it two months and then we’ll meet up. So, well, i dont think he means anything in it. He’s made it obvious he”s over me — in two days.

I don’t know what to do, i want answers, but i can’t have them

What should i do?

Love, Anonymous Me xxx

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Amanda says…

Dear poor lovely Mookychick,

I really sympathise with you and hope you’ve got your medication sorted out and feel a bit better and able to cope. I’m trying to look at the bigger picture, and although you’re going through a really bad time, it sounds like you’ve put your boyf through the hoop as well. You need to gather a bit of inner strength. I suspect all is not lost and he may just be reacting badly to a particularly testing time, and you may be able to gather control of the situation, but first you have to gather control of yourself. You are not just self harming, you are putting other lives at risk as well. You were lucky you’re both OK after the car crash.

Firstly, the practicalities.

1) Sort out your medicine. Get back on an even keel. Urgent!

2) I take it you’re not living together at the moment, but have you given in your notice to go and live with him in his new house? Make sure you still have your own roof over your head and that it’s secure. It’s probably best, even if you did make up in the next few days, to keep a bit of distance. Don’t agree to move in. He’s obviously very apprehensive about the two of you living together. Maybe this is secretly scaring him off a bit.

3) If you feel like you can cope without throwing a wobbly, maybe you should be around when he comes to pick up his stuff on Friday. You might be able to smooth things over. However, if things don’t go the way you want, you’re in danger of losing him for good. You really need to feel a lot stronger and able to deal with this meeting without breaking down and ballsing it up.

If you don’t mind me saying, this chap doesn’t seem to want the same sort of relationship as you. He strikes me as a bit of a flitter,  popping round when he feels like it and not staying the whole night. Playboy weekends at car rallys in Rome with his mates don’t sound like the type of activity a mature, couply, settled gent would do. Perhaps he’s not the man for you? Maybe you’re not very compatable? Have you ever considered that it might be the fact that you’re with him and have always felt insecure with him that has made you depressed, insecure and filled with self-hate all summer? Does he make you feel like this and then appear to be picking up the pieces afterwards, when he’s really contributing to the situation?

You need a bit of space from him. You need to step aside and look at things from a different perspective and this will take time. Having him around to lean on will only make things worse for whatever you have left of your relationship and you’ll lose his respect completely. Surround yourself with good mates. Go for long walks. Do lovely things and go to interesting places you’ve never been before. Treat yourself. Do things to get out of the depressed rut you’re in, and see the world with new eyes. Also, read the Mookychick guide to supplements and foods you can take to beat the blues.

A x

Debs says…

Where do we begin. Ok, well, first of all, you really need to go see your doctor. If you’re getting a reaction from your medicine, you need to change it. Simple as.

It’s going to be bad and you are going to feel awful that your relationship with your boyfriend has ended. But you have to admit, even by the little I’ve read about here, it seemed a pretty volatile and contradictory affair at best. One minute you’re convinced he’s having an affair because he didn’t go straight home after you made love, the next you’re mad because he’s not spending enough time with you. I’m not saying you have to make sense, you don’t, but you have to understand that this is not really sending out the best of signals. So, remembering that it’s all very, very intense, why are you surprised that your ex will change his status on myspace so swiftly? He did it because he was pissed off at you and knew it would hurt you. Which it has. It doesn’t mean he’s over you so quickly, just that he;’s hurting and wants to hurt you. What should you do now? Get some friends round, rant about him and call him names. Then move on. Maybe in a couple of months see if you can be friends again. It may happen. Sometimes it can.

But move on.