Gay friend fancies my boyfriend

Dear Mookychick,

I have a male friend, lets call him Tony, who is a homosexual. Tony has a habit of falling for heterosexual guys. He has a tendency to become friends with these boys and eventually he snaps and tells them that he really likes them. I feel really bad for Tony because the guys he falls for are straight and wouldn’t even experiment with an alternative orientation. As tragic as his fate is, it has started to affect my dating chances because of his notoriety of hitting on straight men.

Now the tough thing is a boy seems to produce an issue between Tony and I. We shall call this boy Cal. Cal is an awesome dude, to say the least, who is very much straight. He has a history of partying, along with Tony and myself. Tony has told me that he secretly wants to take advantage of Cal when he is intoxicated at a party, or what have you. I am very frightened that Tony might have an opportunity to do this. I told Cal of Tony’s schemes. However, Cal and I are still good friends and to prevent jealousy or awkward moments, Cal and I have been planning dates and keeping it on the “down low” so Tony doesn’t find out. I know Tony likes Cal, but so do I. I am frightened for Cal (who is also slightly disturbed about the matter) and I don’t want to jeopardize both relationships with my friends. How should Cal and I deal with Tony in a way that no one gets hurt too badly?

Love, Anonymous Me xxx

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Char says…

Well, what a pickle this sounds! I feel for you! I think the fact he’s planning on manipulating a situation in order to try it on, or indeed push himself, take advantage, poke, prod of generally misbehave whilst Cal is off his face is just disgusting on Soooo many levels! If that was a bloke talking about agirl i bet youd have called him a pervert and then called the police! Buuuuut are you positive he wasnt joking? I mean we all say it, heck, i do, ooh if i get Mr.Unsuitable pissed i can seduce him! I did my fair share of seducing this summer with one perticuler gentleman, and believe me the only one who ended up getting hurt was me.

Personally as bad as this could be you need to tell him how his behabiour is getting him a rep.

Tell him you love him, admire him, think he’s the top bananas etc, but tell him that you’re willing to risk losing the friendship by pissing him off / hurting him / shaming him because of this, this and this.

Tell him that he’s a predator. That he’s making an arse out of himself. I wouldnt mention how it affects your dating because the emphasis should be on him and how his feelings are being effected etc, and not on yours. Keep the focus on him.

I suggest a poo sandwhich. And this is how it’s made.

Step 1) Tell him you love him, and point out all the good things you like about him and what others like about him, what a good friend he is, has been and you hope will continue to be and any other positive yarn you can spin at him.

Step 2 – The Poo – Tell him that he’s getting a reputation with his scaremongering sexual advances, that the way he hooks onto these straight boys, is not healthy for anyone involved – could it be a case of just wanting to be like them, or is it genuine lust? Tell him how his actions with these straight boys are having consequences and that some people have mentioned it – dont make him feel like hes part of a witch hunt though! Dont make him feel ashamed either or perverted – you need to be gentle but firm..

Step 3 – End it on a positive note. Tell him more good things about him and invite him to share his opinions on the matter.

He could go off on one, turn his anger towards you – just take it, and when he’s calmed down, help him find his way into a healthier situation for you all – whilst your at it, it may be an idea to tell him how you feel about Cal, just if you think it would help.

Good luck!

xx

Ashley says…

You feel really bad for a guy who has basically said he wants to forcibly violate a straight guy? Imagine if Tony had said this about a girl – he’d be ripe for a ball-kicking.

Also, don’t imagine that straight = “wouldn’t even experiment.” Many straight-as-an-arrow dudes have still experimented, and wracked themselves with guilt for years wondering if that makes them gay. It doesn’t. It makes them human. I had a crush on a gay guy once and we occasionally made out while we were drunk. This was experimenting for him – not once have I ever considered that he felt anything for me other than curious lust. As my college sex ed textbook so dryly put it, the human body responds sexually to “lubricated friction.” The mind? That organ which, another great font of wisdom, the movie The Big Lebowski dubbed “the largest erogenous zone”? Little bit more tricky. The fact is, if Tony really values your friendship, he’ll be willing to leave your crush alone. Cal’s straight. Therefore, you get dubs.

Debs says…

The simplest solution might be to start going to gay clubs with Tony. He’s never going to get himself a stable relationship if he keeps trying to take advantage of straight men. But if you were all to go to gay clubs, Tony won’t have to keep making a play on straight men.

The other thing you need to do is talk to Cal about exactly how you feel about him. If he feels the same way, you need to spending time alone with him, away from Tony.