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GLOBAL WARMING IS A HAPPY MEAL IN HELL
With our addiction to fossil fuels we're heating things up for future generations and turning lovely Mother Earth into a happy-slapping crack whore, argues Torrey Meeks. And who are we to deny it?
by Torrey Meeks
This is all I want to know: Why has rodeo-riding atomic bombs like they did in Doctor Strangelove gone out of style? People are all very laissez-faire about it these days, yet it is a valid concern. If a whacked-out Mother Earth doesn't nuke us because she's tired of sucking the glass dick of fossil fuel addiction, then Iran just might.
And trust me: there's nowhere I'd rather be when it all disappears than the nose of an ICBM.
Radiation poisoning is for lesser men, the kind too dumb to know how painful it really is.
I'D RATHER RIDE AN ATOM BOMB THAN DIE SLOWLY
Give me instant atomic dispersion. I want my molecules to infiltrate whatever water supplies the Acting Chief Prick is chugging down from the bottom of lead-lined bunkers nestled in the Earth's crust. I want to say, "Bummer dude - there goes 1600 Pennsylvania." I want to survive in that highly filtered sludge, instigating cancerous growths.
Here's how it is. The permafrost is melting at a record rate. It's not supposed to melt at any rate, let alone a record rate. Hence the 'perma'. The Eskimos don't even have a word for it. They have 400 for snow, 380 of those derogative. Even these etymological wonders can't figure out how to say, "It's all going to shit."
GLOBAL WARMING IS A HAPPY MEAL IN HELL
Global warming. Man, it's hell's very own carbon-dioxide happy meal. It tastes really good at first and you get a toy. You bowl with hurricanes and bend the budget over a pork barrel and rape bacon in the name of rebuilding. And then your kids exhume your bones and piss on them, because you fucked up and gave them a world bow tied in 125 degree heat at the poles. Know what else is happening? Volcanoes. That's what's happening. You think a nuclear winter is bad, wait until you see what happens when Mt. Rainer in Washington State blows. You'll wish you were the dinosaurs.
Speaking of nuclear winter, you know why appeasement talks always fail? By the time there's something to appease it's too late. I don't dislike Iranians and Islam. I take issue however with the Islamic equivalent of Pat Robertson running a country with speeches that make Revelations look like a cold glass of milk. I'm all for clean energy. Just don't use it on me.
A reasonable comparison to another dictator who gave charismatic speeches could be drawn here, but I don't want to go breaking Goodwin's Law.
In the end it's not all bad. I just saw a daisy sprout in January on the 44th Parallel. Maybe tomorrow I'll go surf in Nova Scotia. I hear the Atlantic is getting nice this time of year.
About the author
Torrey Meeks lives to write and writes to live. He also writes to pay the bills and to buy the gas for his motorbike.Read his American Newswire column
