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I PREDICT A RIOT
When mall-riots turn ugly, even bootylicious perfume counter-workers can turn into crazed rebel leaders.
by your gracious correspondent Torrey Meeks
Consumer bloodshed has reached an all time high here in Bloomington, Minnesota, home to the Mall of America. We're writing live from the scene as S.W.A.T. teams and a joint police force set up barricades in the parking lot.
Cause of the mass hysteria and looting has been hard to place. Rumors circulating shortly before violence erupted widespread over the mall pinned the cause on a mother of three who snapped while standing in line waiting for a no-show Santa. A victim close to the incident said the woman reportedly "let out a scream of agony, grabbed a giant plastic candy cane and teed off with an elf's head."
Other disgruntled mothers in the line soon followed suit. After smashing up the winter wonderland display, aggression turned to glass storefronts and overweight middle-aged men in sweats. Within seconds boyfriends getting dragged into Victoria Secret were seen overturning clothes racks, and coke bottle glassed grannies pulled pearl handled single shot .22's from handbags, holding up jewelry emporiums, one allegedly saying, "I don't make enough on Social Security to take this shit anymore."
"It was pretty wild at first," said Rose Starr, Chanel counter worker, found seeking refuge in the storeroom. "All these mothers just suddenly flipped their lids and went nuts. It turned into the Day of the Dead in here."
Things quickly devolved from one or two rogue individuals capitalizing on the pandemonium caused by the angry soccer moms, to the widespread mob situation currently in progress. In the first minutes of chaos a few store managers managed to keep presence of mind, locking themselves inside stores behind sliding security gates. Groups quickly broke off from the main body of the mob, ripping up benches and grabbing fallen mannequins as battering rams. Protracted sieges on the last few holdouts - Abercrombie and Fitch, Hallmark, and Nordstrom - began.
At this advanced stage only Nordstrom is still in the fight due to manpower and good leadership. The store manager rallied his troops, closing off the interior entrance and shoving display cases and mounds of folded clothes behind it for reinforcement. "It was tight there for awhile," said Joe Butt, Nordstrom store manager, speaking shortly after repelling the first attack, "They're going nuts out there, real animals. I haven't seen people this rabid since the Black Friday of Tickle Me Elmo's." Threats of revoking lifetime shopping privileges to any customer caught defecting to the looters kept an orderly shopping environment, said Butt.
Soon after the contingent laying siege to the Nordstrom failed to gain entrance by force, a fifteen year old with spiked hair, black eye liner, and JNCOs who seized control of the assault, ordered a strike force into Sam Goody. "This is what you call psychological warfare," said the fifteen-year-old mob leader, giving only the name Metallica when asked. "I saw this on FOX news once. The F.B.I set up speakers facing the Waco compound in Texas and blasted music round the clock. If they won't surrender the store nicely we'll smoke 'em out." True to his word, shortly after the brief interview an impressive array of speakers was set up facing the barricade. With the diabolic savvy of a man twice his age, Metallica began pumping Frank Zappa tunes towards the barrier at full volume.
A mounting tide of agonized screams could be heard coming from the embattled store in the last hour before news organizations extricated to the parking lot. A swell in violence caused reporters to beat a retreat, as the mob ran out of stores and banded together in roving gangs, turning on smaller groups and lone individuals.
While carnage reins inside the mall, the police have taken a wait-and-see stance. "We've been up against these kinds of consumers before," said Fred Dough, police chief and three-time veteran to Mall of America cleanup operations. "With this kind of chaos you just drink a cup of coffee, wait for 'em to finish themselves off, then round up any survivors and call in the coroner."
About the author
Torrey Meeks lives to write and writes to live. He also writes to pay the bills and to buy the gas for his motorbike.Read his American Newswire column
