The cinderella effect

by Charlotte Kimberley

Parents, Hans Christian Anderson and the media have all conspired to make us believe that we will be swept off our feet by a perfect man with a white horse and a golden spear - his name is Lancelot, and yours is Guinevere. Charlotte Kymberley dispels the myth of 'the Cinderella effect', and looks at what we can do to replace it with something more realistic...

Girls, is it always the same thing for us?

We meet a guy, we go out on a few dates with them (sometimes we accidentally shag on the first date, but oh, haven't we all?) and even then, when the relationship is going from strength to strength, we often discover he turns out to be less than perfect.

Is that really a surprise? Can men be expected to be perfect? Do we, as girls suffer from the 'Cinderella Effect'?

Are we so conditioned to expect man perfection and gentility that we underestimate a guy who falls below our high expectations?

Thanks to Cinderella, we always assume that the man of our dreams will somehow find his way to us against all odds - I mean, Cinderella found her man with the aid of her own fairy and a glass shoe! But how realistic is that? Are we setting ourselves up for a fall?

What the 'Cinderella Effect' means is that we have a tendency to compare our love lives to a fairytale. The fairytale effect may be something we use to justify our lack of happiness and success when it comes to having a boyfriend.

When we're little girls, we're led to believe that when we grow up, we'll be swept off our feet by a dashing, fabulously rich and handsome stranger who will keep us in the manner to which we just know we should be accustomed, in the same impossibly fabulous lifestyle as La Lohan et al.

For many girls, this notion (romantic as it is) is hideously outdated and most likely implanted by our parents as being our heart's desire when they read us a Hans Christian Anderson book when we were six years old.

Amy, a twenty one year old administrator, says 'I guess to some degree we all want what we've dreamed about since childhood - the ideal that we'll meet a tall dark handsome stranger is an appealing fantasy... we all want to be Snow White deep down...'

Or do we? Jenna, twenty eight, thinks we do, but also believes that attempting to be Snow White (the face of an angel, the body of a supermodel, adoring and compliant) doesn't do us any favours.

'I have been disappointed so much throughout my teenage years and early twenties, looking for the golden boy, the fireworks and dizzy heights of love only to be continuously disappointed. It was only when I began to view men in a realistic light that I met my currant fiance, and now, well, he's definitely my Mr.Perfect.'

Are we all setting ourselves up for misery? Are our expectations for what we perceive to be a perfect boyfriend unrealistic? All through our lives we get told that the one is out there... Gypsies talk about tall dark handsome strangers...

Is there any room for flaws? Maybe if we accepted that men are problematic at times and that no relationship is perfect, then we'll be finally allowing some room for improvement.

Until this truth hits the masses, spread the word amongst our girlfriends...

No man is perfection in itself. It's what seems perfect to us that counts.

Then again, we could still believe that we are just going to be wandering around one day, a fabulous day of course, and then (joy of joys!) the heavens will open and the sun will shine down on some Brad Pitt uberhunk, and, oh, we fall in love.

Just like that - reality out of the window.

We fall in love.

That's the problem, we shouldn't be falling anywhere!

We need to be walking into love, and accepting that the fantasy that is Prince Charming doesn't exist.

Yes, it's a tough thing to grasp when we're caught between the fantasies of magazines, movies and books which provide us with hope and evanescent dreams. It's too easy to let our feelings of man hopelessness spiral out of control until we think that all we're going to achieve in life is Jack with no trade.

So what are the secrets to a happy real relationship?

Listed below are ten tips that have been proven to benefit the longevity of partnership.

1) Having the same interests

2) Working towards common goals

3) Sharing the same or similar religious beliefs

4) Agreeing on the most important issues such as when to begin a family - eek!

5) Having a similar sex drive

6) Being as open and as honest as possible at all times

7) Building a strong friendship

8) Understanding each other's values

9) Respecting one another's choices

10) Working with one another at keeping the spark alive

These mundane everyday occurrences are the legs of your bed frame, if we're going to get metaphorical. You need to have strong wooden legs to keep your bed aloft for sustained periods of time in order for it to work to its fullest potential. Without those sturdy legs, eventually the bed will wobble and collapse.

So we've got the list sorted, we've scrapped the myth that a Prince Charming will come along and whisk you away whilst you're wearing your very best Vivienne Westwood dress (courtesy of your fairy godmother - or MasterCard) and there certainly isn't going to be one kiss which wakes you up after a hundred year sleep - or a six-month man drought.

We girls need to forget about the fairytale ending and look at what we've got, even if it's a football-loving beer-guzzling commitment phobic. After all, we can always borrow that wand and change 'em for a night or two...

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