Girl trouble: My gay ex boyfriend

by Kate Morrison

Take your typical loved-up, make-up, break-up story. Now picture this - it's not your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend you have to deal with. It's your ex-boyfriend's new boyfriend.

It was your typical love story. Boy and girl meet, boy and girl get a bit tipsy and end up in bed together, boy and girl date for a year, boy and girl break up. Cue the usual confusion, the usual break up nookie, the usual tears to friends at 3am, the drinking of tequila and the rebound sex with inappropriate people.

So far so familiar, right?

Well, sadly not. Because I've had to deal with something most of you won't have. I have to deal with my ex boyfriend's new boyfriend.

Yeah. Think about that. Imagine that coming out of the blue. This guy was hetero in the most hetero of ways. He'd had lots of girlfriends, a few previous long term relationships. He'd never so much as kissed a boy before we broke up and suddenly he's shacked up with an older man.

So. A survival guide to getting through this situation. First off, don't torture yourself with the 'Am I so repulsive I turned him on to willies?' stuff. It's not you. This time it really is him. Secondly, see the funny side and laugh. Laugh that he couldn't find another girlfriend because no other girl could compare to you, so he had to broaden his horizons into trouser-ville. Thirdly, DO NOT watch gay porn, the images will haunt you forever... trust me on this. Finally, equip yourself with an arsenal of bitchy comebacks, because if you're as unlucky as me, you're going to have to deal with a permatanned, bitchy little queen complete with 'oh no, she didn't' finger snaps and buttocks clenched so tight he could crack hazelnuts (oh, the mental image).

I suppose I should try to be supportive, and truthfully I do want to help the ex through this because this must have been hard for him to come to terms with. I want to say I'm here for him, but in truth it's no different to him getting a new girlfriend. I wouldn't be offering relationship advice then, and I'm not going to do it now.

I don't care if he's checking out guys, I care that it was after what I thought was an amazingly loving and passionate relationship with me. A girl. A girl with sizable boobies and a distinctly un-boyish figure.

My ego isn't bruised, it's been blasted to smithereens.

So the bottom line is to treat it like any other break up. Just make sure your new boyfriend is hotter than his is.

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