Happy Anti Valentines day!
by Ruby Mae James
Happy Anti Valentines day! Celebrate Anti Valentines Day with broken heart biscuits, busted ball truffles, hugely unromantic films and cards that say "you smell of wee"...
I love holidays but there is one that just leaves me cold-hearted. If you are one of those people who insist on wearing pink on the 14th of February and paying £20 for a musical bear, don't come to my house that evening or you will be met with a tray of broken heart biscuits and a jug of bitter lemon punch. I only celebrate one holiday on that day and that is Anti Valentines day - or, as I like to call it, "Get stuffed, Hallmark" evening.
Valentines Day needs to be banned - or at least shot out of a cannon into the sun along with edible pants, chalky love heart sweets, half dead service station flowers, pitying looks from couples, "surprise" blind dates leading up to the day set up by friends you won't be seeing again, and the film Titanic. No, it's not the most romantic film ever. The only way you could make that film watchable is if at the end when she looks out over the water, a frozen Leonardo DiCaprio bobs past like a human ice lolly.
Don't get me wrong. I am a romantic. Flowers, chocs, perfume, love letters, walks in the park, kisses in the rain and all that jazz. But surely if you truly love someone, it should be all year around? Not just one day of the year designed so that couples (who actually can't stand each other) can pretend they are not having it off with her sister/his best friend. We don't need to ordain a 'special' day when single lonely people turn into tragic Bridget Jones clones and the sales on Ben and Jerry's go up, or a day when randy teenagers can get some action behind the lockers in exchange for a card and a box of chocolate seashells!
I suppose that, to an extent, I am bitter. My ex - the Jerk - only ever got me one gift and it was too vile to mention in print. A date for him was a night down the pub with him on the fruit machine splashing away the money I lent him to pay his rent. But I have ALWAYS felt this way about Valentines Day - because I just don't get it!
A couple of years ago I started doing Anti Valentines nights for friends who felt as hateful towards the holiday as I do. I made anti love themed treats such as busted ball truffles, dead cupid cupcakes, and voodoo gingerbread men. I put on the least romantic films I could find and we all just relaxed away from the vomit inducing couples.
But I am not the only one who does this. More and more people are starting to rebel against this enforced rainforest killing holiday and getting into the anti valentine spirit. Shops are even doing anti valentine ranges with ex voodoo dolls, gummy cow hearts that ooze, and "You smell of wee" cards to send people you hate (not a good idea, but tempting...)
A revolution has started against this parody of romance that tells us we don't love each other if we don't buy a plastic rose and light up boxer shorts that plays "sex bomb" in a squeaky voice. People are rebelling and saying "No, I will not be pressured into going on a date with Sharon's cousin with the lazy eye" or "No, I am not going to fork out £15 for an egg cup with some mousse in it from a snooty waiter who is planning to pee in my coffee because I made a penguin joke." It's all a load of busted ball truffles and we all know it!
Would my opinion change if I fell for a man who happened to really love that day? Who wanted to go out for the meals with heart shaped chocolate puddings and sent roses to my work or made me a love themed breakfast with "I wuv U" carved in toast? Yes, okay. I'll go for that. I'll take the chocolates, the day trip to Paris, even the cheese wire underwear that I am too nice to say cuts me in half like a bacon slicer. I'll even make non-broken heart shaped cookies. But if you are not going to do it any other time of year, you are not exactly in it for the long term - so why bother?