Student guide - How to live with boys

by Rhi Williams

Living with boys is not the same as living with a boyfriend. Boyfriends are usually singular and therefore manageable. Boy flatmates come in a pack and are allowed to play penis wars. This is what you can expect from male flatmates...

"How are you?" I yell. "About as good as your face" is the reply. Tedious, tedious. "Lovely, then?"

The first time most girls are brave enough to live with a man, I'm guessing they have encountered most of their bad habits, met the parents or at least know their middle name. However, I found myself at university living with not one guy, not two, or three, but four of these creatures. Considering my experience, I thought it only right and decent to shed some light on this ever changing being. These are guys in their natural habitat, who do not know the term "toilet roll" but can tell you Jenna Jameson's Nan's favourite sarnie. This, dear reader, is the world of the male flatmate.

Here are some facts you might never have known about male roomies:

1. However repulsive you find your male flatmates, "man smell" still makes you tingle in many places.
2. Upon transferring money for bills they find it highly amusing to accredit you with the references "toys and "lube" or "quick hand job". Hence, I will never get a mortgage for more reasons than the economy.
3. They only ever lock their doors when wanking or sleeping; you do not get the dignity of a closed door when peeing, pooing or changing.
4. A single bad meal on your part gets recognised for weeks on end, a good one of theirs is memorable for life.
5. Your room is never safe, and your Facebook updates often change mysteriously when you are showering.
6. No, you're not allowed to exclude yourself from prank wars 2009, so you become accustomed to sketches of penii appearing on all your things.

Now girls, I have occasionally come across fellow females in my kitchen. Stood in socks and a familiar American football shirt, they are, in the tones of David Attenborough, "=mystical creatures, only coming out at night when they don't risk being seen". Whatever the character, an obligatory greeting and complete ignorance of their reason for being there has to be employed, otherwise you risk scaring this creature into hiding once more.

Once said mystical creature has gone, never ask questions about her presence for fear of being told far too much; boys don't remember names but piercings and "effort level" are mentally noted.

"Oi Oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" becomes a routine part of the day, employed when any sport graces our television, including ping pong and especially gymnastics. A slow progression into couch potato-state occurs at 6pm Friday evening and ceases towards 12 midnight Sunday - sadly there is no cure for this, I have asked many a doctor.

Remember: You are their 'she-pimp' and oracle into all that is womanly.

As a 'she-pimp' you have to allow them access to single friends upon their break-ups, explain to them the mysteries of tampons, provide them with blemish fighters when they get a big honking spot and let them smell your new coconut shampoo without fear of disapproving looks.

Men can employ the 'ugly mate rule', and don't you forget it.

Said "Ugly Mate" is defined amongst these creatures in every group. Most prominently it is the gent who takes home the "ten pinters" or "the friend of the fittie". These guys are the wing-men of their better-looking mates on many occasions.

As all-round hunk and brain box Plato once said "Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable", and I think he was onto something there.

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