How to survive the party from hell

by Lola Ross

What do you do when your best mate invites you to a terrible party that has Jamelia on loop, you watch aghast as she sticks her tongue down the nearest boychild, then your ex turns up? Lola Ross has the answer.

We all know just how thoroughly excruciating it is when you find yourself stuck at a house party with an overly giddy mate whose current crush – the greasy chip shop boy – is throwing the deadbeat bash.

Sat in the corner, sipping your vodka tipple and watching the lanky teenage boys co-ordinate their spasming body parts around the hot honeys – who have surprisingly turned up to the deadest dive in this hemisphere – you begin to doubt your reasons for living.

Your friend is sucking face with the acne-strewn, hairy boychild and within the grimy walls of this house you're sat alone with nothing to do but consider those already throwing up (it is only just gone 10pm) and watching in disgust as several borderline pubescent boys chat up a heavily-busted girl.

Now add to this the horror that you would feel were your ex-tumble then to walk calmly through the door to this humble abode. Indeed girls, the 'Ex' is here too.

I think you may now empathise with the utter horror that was my Friday night.

Because I am a kind and loving (albeit imprudent) soul, I will now impart the wisdom I have learned from this horrifying encounter. If you ever find yourselves in a similar – highly improbable, but nonetheless awkward - situation, may you handle it far better than I did. Make me proud.

1. When your ex catches sight of you sitting in the darkened corner upon the rather questionably stained sofa, do not feel ashamed, or take his malicious grin to be gratification at having caught you in this dump. Remember that, after all, your scheming (and badly-dressed) ex has turned up to the exact same deadbeat party.

2. When your friend has extricated her teen-molesting tongue from the chip boy, tell her that you cannot believe she lied when you asked, 'But won't the party be really boring and full of pre-pubescent boys?' Let's face it, she has not delivered on the 'guaranteed hot lads, great tunes and plenty of drink' she promised. No, these words sum it up better: watered-down vodka, Jamelia and Yeti. Force her into guilt-mode and make her promise to buy you Nando's every Saturday and Subway sandwiches on demand for the next month.

3. Perhaps most important of all: Call up your latest crush and ditch the damn cute act. Ask him where he's headed tonight. Sounds good? Call up your girl mates and persuade them, using your natural charm and charisma, to come out tonight. If they persist in declining? Offer them a free drink (pick up the nearest vodka bottle and slide it under your coat as you do this.) Then force your mate to come with you. After all, you cannot leave her with the baying schoolboys and horny boychild. Set off to the nearest club that plays anything half-decent, wait for your latest hottie to arrive and do the best thing you can to pass the time: DANCE YOUR ASS OFF, BABY!

That's my girl.

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