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Send Celebrities to Iraq
by Ashley 'Danger' Meeks
So, Prince Harry is all set to go to Iraq. Could this finally be the answer to the question of what to do with celebrities like Britney, KFed and Mischa Barton's little sister? Ashley 'Danger' Meeks considers the options...
It's madness, I tell you. What kind of a world is this in which former blingy bong-boy Kevin Federline looks like a responsible, bacon-bringing-home father?
In case you've been living under a rock, in Mars, for the last four years, with your hands over your ears and your eyes closed, you'll know that the 28-year-old, who was plucked from the sweaty stable of pop-star backup dancers when the world's most famous pop star, Britney Spears, developed a hugmungous crush on him, has tried his hand at rap (lousy), modeling (meh), acting (missed it) and reality TV with then-wife Spears (vertigo-inducing). He's been perhaps most successful though in ensuring the propagation of his genetic code, as he has four children, two with an actress and two with Spears.
It's interesting to note these days that with Britney failing to release a new album in four years (even her endorsements of crappy, fade-quick druggist-sold perfumes have been faltering), she's done the media equivalent of refusing to get out of bed. Lately of the mind that all she needs to give the public is a few glimpses of her shorn ladybits to continue receiving adoration, Spears, who used to be hotter than a Bhut Jolokia pepper, has turned car-wreck quicker than you can say "Crossroads."
Meanwhile, earlier this month, her ex-husband got surprised props from viewers of an insurance commercial he was in during the Super Bowl. In the commercial, Federline appears in a music video rapping about bitches and bling. Just when you're rolling your eyes, you see that the whole video is a fantasy, and that Federline's nothing more than an onion ring-slinger in a fast food restaurant singing along to the video and imagining himself in it. The tag line was "life comes at you fast."
The commercial was actually funny. And so refreshing was it to see Federline making fun of himself, acknowledging that without a wealthy wife bankrolling his dreams and his bandwidth, that's probably where he'd be. It was just as nice to, as the two were announcing their divorce, see Justin Timberlake, Britney's ex, responding to a reporter's question about the situation, with "Yeah, there's a war going on in Iraq." Nice!
Anyway, I didn't come here to praise KFed or bury Britney. Like Justin Timberlake, I want to talk about the war. Because all this celebrity news comes on the heels of an announcement that England's Prince Harry is going to serve in Iraq, which is just about the most awesome thing I've heard since finding the deeplink to Lily Allen's mixtapes. The only thing cooler than that would be if we upped the ante by sending Jenna and Barbara Bush over. And the only thing that would be cooler than that would be adding Britney Spears into the mix.
As a matter of fact, all celebrities in rehab (and those affiliated with celebrities, like Mischa Barton's little sister) would be immediately drafted. So would annoying bints like Denise Richards and whingey twits like Melissa Ethridge's wife, who feels she's entitled to blogbitch about how grating it is that she can't shop in the toniest districts of SoCal because of the paparazzi. If you can't grin and bear the burden of being in the spotlight, then get into a tank, sister.
Instead of rewarding pampered pill-poppers with scented oil massages, grilled fish and pilates by the beach, we should be pro-actively running these twats over with their own bad karma. Instead of trying to decipher the language of their REM sleep, they should be discovering the joy of MREs. It's a simple law of supply and demand - we've got a shortage of soldiers and more celebrities than we can keep track of. And if you're a celebrity, you're basically living your dream.
If you know that you throw a temper tantrum in dreamland, you'll face going over into what American troops lovingly refer to as "The Suck," you might be disinclined from shaving your head, flashing your fanny, puking all over the interior of a car that costs more than most people's houses, and otherwise acting a dunce.
As for Federline, he can keep on doing as he likes for now. At least he's working.
About the author
Ptiza Odelay was created in a factory by Nazi scientists during World
War II. She was to be the ultimate weapon against the Allies, but
before she grew into maturity in her birthing tank, the war ended and
the project was scrapped. Years later, she was found still in her tank
in a hidden sub-basement of a warehouse in Berlin and inadvertently
shipped to the United States. During transit the casing of the tank
was ruptured and she was born seemingly in her early twenties with all
of the knowledge of mankind programmed into her brain. She speaks
eighty languages and has been known to crush diamonds with her bare
hands. She is wanted in twenty countries and was last seen diving into
an active volcano somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. In her spare time,
she writes popular children's fiction, erotica and groundbreaking
journalism under the name Ashley "Danger" Meeks.Read her 'Confessions of a Recovering Teenager' column
Mission statement
Mookychick believes that climbing trees and riding giant turtles is more fun and girly than worrying about make-up. But if you want to worry about make-up instead of turtles? Fine by us. Be you feminist, kitten, punk, emo, indie, goth, witch, vegan, horror junky, intellectual, christian goth, corset queen, geek, unicorn, sea monkey... be you into alternative style, alternative health, spirituality, comics, manga, j-pop, harajuku or jock culture... we will always love you.
