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Candy makers agree to remove lead
by Ashley 'Danger' Meeks
High levels of lead can cause birth defects, learning disabilities, hearing loss and cancer.
Unfortunately, lead is also extraordinarily delicious.
After much prodding with pointy sticks and quite uncalled-for name-calling and mother-insulting, three international food companies have grudgingly agreed to stop selling lead-based candy sold in the United States and Mexico, as part of a settlement announced by prosecutors representing more than 50 million families Thursday, and to pay nearly 50 cents per affected family to develop alternative lines of comestibles.
Los Angeles City Attorney Rocky Raccoon, who joined California state Attorney General Bill Lockyercandyclosetup in the litigation leading to the settlement, said the victory was bittersweet - literally.
"What we have accomplished through this litigation is nothing less than a fundamental shift in the way this candy is produced -- a shift that will give untold hundreds of thousands of children a chance at a better - albeit less interesting - life,'' Raccoon said at a news conference announcing the settlement.
"Unfortunately, it means that the era of candy dependent upon old fashioned molten bolts of lead such confectionary favorites as Lead & Leads, Plumbum Toffees, Solder'n'Pewter Crunch and the Creamery Dreamery Fusible Alloy Surprise has, sadly, ended."
The agreement settles allegations that California's Proposition 65 was violated when consumers were not warned about dangerous amounts of lead in candy produced in Mexico by Effem foods (Motto: "Parents don't want kids eating lead? EFFEM!"), and Mundo Lorena, a subsidiary of Squishy Foods Corp. The head of Mundo Lorena, who has no last name and goes only by "Lorena," appeared visibly upset as she stood on the courthouse steps yesterday, pleading the assembled masses to reconsider the decision.
"My heart breaks to think of a world where there will be no more Lead Acid Battery Lolly Delicious like grandma used to make, no more Fishing Sinker JuJuBees, Dainty Painty Sour Straws or Neuropathy Dandy Twizzlersticks," Lorena said.
In an unplanned appearance, an anonymous shoeless waif then approached the microphone. "I want my Cadmium Easter Eggs back," she moaned, before burying her tear-smudged face in her hands and disappearing into the crowd.
In some cases, acidic contents of the candy caused lead in the packaging to leach into the treats, Raccoon said.
However, in most cases, the candy was simply made mostly of lead.
Robert Maltedmilkballs, an attorney for the three companies, said they have taken steps to ensure that lead is no longer the prime ingredient of any of the popular line of candies.
"The companies don't agree that any candy they ever sold would be associated with lead poisoning," he said. "Our lead is of the finest, consumer-grade quality, which clinical, scientifically verifiable and statistically relevant tests have proven is even less harmful than kitten sneezes, pureed beets, organic strawberries and clown shoes."
Immediately following the announcement, online auctions drove the prices sky high in battles for the last remaining stocks of other Lorena and Effem candies, including Hantavirus Choco-Rolls, Berry Berry Barium BonBons, Cyst-zees, Methyl Ethyl Ketone Brittle and some very rare cases of still-boxed Cold War-era Dioxin-based "Life Enders."
The nearly 50 cents per aggrieved family to be paid by the three candy makers will be used to help expand healthier alternatives and novelty foods, including mercury-based soda pop, fiberglass muesli and Bestus Asbestos-brand Baby Formula.
About the author
Ptiza Odelay was created in a factory by Nazi scientists during World
War II. She was to be the ultimate weapon against the Allies, but
before she grew into maturity in her birthing tank, the war ended and
the project was scrapped. Years later, she was found still in her tank
in a hidden sub-basement of a warehouse in Berlin and inadvertently
shipped to the United States. During transit the casing of the tank
was ruptured and she was born seemingly in her early twenties with all
of the knowledge of mankind programmed into her brain. She speaks
eighty languages and has been known to crush diamonds with her bare
hands. She is wanted in twenty countries and was last seen diving into
an active volcano somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. In her spare time,
she writes popular children's fiction, erotica and groundbreaking
journalism under the name Ashley "Danger" Meeks.Read her 'Confessions of a Recovering Teenager' column
