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Five years of media coverage of Miley Cyrus's shoulder wouldn't be enough
by Ashley 'Danger' Meeks
Yes. Nothing else matters. Five years of media coverage of Miley Cyrus's shoulder wouldn't be enough.
Across the world today, dignitaries and civilians marked the grim fifth anniversary of the globe-spanning daily coverage of Miley Cyrus' shoulder.
In hundreds of towns, the thousands of lives lost in pursuit of the latest spin on the comely photograph were marked with tear-stained gatherings at newsstands and online forums. And while they expected it to be vetoed, the Senate submitted a non-binding resolution to end funding the coverage of the 15-year-old Ms. Cyrus's bust and begin ticking down a six-month timetable to withdraw already stretched seconds on Entertainment Tonight and late-night talk show monologues.
In response to the Vanity Fair cover heard round the world, sources close to the production of Oprah's Big Give say the season-busting philanthropic stunt might just involve a cashmere cardigan from Kitson. (As of press time, neither Harpo Productions nor ABC would comment on the record for this story.)
And among registered pop culture junkies, the exposure of Ms. Cyrus's uncovered flesh has soared to the top of issues that are of most importance; trailing by double digits is the latest competitive drama on Dancing With the Stars and barely charting is Hulk Hogan's bottom-lotioning of his tanning daughter.
The most recent opinion polls show the popularity of Ms. Cyrus's shoulder has never been lower and indeed has ticked downward on an almost daily basis since the publication of the Annie Liebowitz photograph. Ms. Cyrus's shoulder now ranks at a historical low, less popular than benchmarks set previously, in 2004, with the flashing of Janet Jackson's breast and, in 1968, with John Lennon and Yoko Ono's nude shoot on the cover of their "Two Virgins" album.
While only 14 percent of American respondents in the latest Reuters poll approve of the current direction of entertainment coverage of Ms. Cyrus's shoulder, candidates vying for the next 24-hour news cycle are hard-pressed for an exit strategy. The two front-runners for the West Coast candidate for entertainment coverage, TMZ and Perez Hilton, both advocate immediate withdrawal, saying resources would be best used on coverage of Britney Spears' pregnant 17-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, who is expecting a baby girl in late June.
Perez Hilton again called for TMZ to reconcile its decision to cover the flap over Ms. Cyrus's exposure at all, alleging the shots were as un-sexy as Liebowitz's earlier VF debut of Suri Cruise.
And on the East Coast, New York City-based Gawker has rocked the boat in recent days by being quoted as backing the recent "surge" of commentary on the issue, saying it would be happy to cover Cyrus's sheet-swathed torso for the next hundred years.
"We've been investigating the length of Britney Spears' skirts for more than ten years and we've been making jokes about Richard Gere for how long? Make it 100 years. That would be fine with me."
About the author
Ptiza Odelay was created in a factory by Nazi scientists during World
War II. She was to be the ultimate weapon against the Allies, but
before she grew into maturity in her birthing tank, the war ended and
the project was scrapped. Years later, she was found still in her tank
in a hidden sub-basement of a warehouse in Berlin and inadvertently
shipped to the United States. During transit the casing of the tank
was ruptured and she was born seemingly in her early twenties with all
of the knowledge of mankind programmed into her brain. She speaks
eighty languages and has been known to crush diamonds with her bare
hands. She is wanted in twenty countries and was last seen diving into
an active volcano somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. In her spare time,
she writes popular children's fiction, erotica and groundbreaking
journalism under the name Ashley "Danger" Meeks.Read her 'Confessions of a Recovering Teenager' column
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Mookychick believes that climbing trees and riding giant turtles is more fun and girly than worrying about make-up. But if you want to worry about make-up instead of turtles? Fine by us. Be you feminist, kitten, punk, emo, indie, goth, witch, vegan, horror junky, intellectual, christian goth, corset queen, geek, unicorn, sea monkey... be you into alternative style, alternative health, spirituality, comics, manga, j-pop, harajuku or jock culture... we will always love you.
