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Organic maple syrup - the sap's choice
by Ashley 'Danger' Meeks
Hey, what does a maple tree say about another maple tree it thinks is cute?
I'd tap that.
There is at least one woman in my town who is going to bed tonight troubled because the local hippie food store doesn't stock organic maple syrup.
Yeah, that's right. Just think about that for a second. Here's a forest with a bunch of maple trees in it. All year they grow, resplendently Canadian, Canadian bunnies hopping beneath the branches singing "With glowing hearts we see thee rise, the True North strong and free!" Round Spring, a guy goes out with a tap when the sap starts flowing and hangs a bucket on the tree. Sap comes out. Cue the "Little House in the Woods" footage.
Since when is there inorganic maple syrup?
Who cares if your oregano is organic? There are old Jewish guys looking at these uppity middle-aged upper-middle-class twats and one says to the other "Jeez, even I'll pick up a BLT every now and then."
Meanwhile, this lady never even considered getting a regular bottle of organic maple syrup. She had obviously recently come to this phase of her life or she'd already know there was no such thing as organic maple syrup. So she was one of the ones who feel all guilty for going 35 years eating regular cruel maple syrup without even feeling ulcerous stabs in your guts.
Cruel maple syrup, that's right. I'm going to vote with my dollar every time I go out to the stores. I'm going to stand up and say, those cruel factory forests where you raise commergial grade maple syrup are disgusting, those awful cages you raise the trees in, no room to scratch or peck, the tips of their branches clipped so they don't injure the others, fed mulch of all godforsaken things. I've read Upton Sinclair, you bastards.
Those people should be punished with 25 years of counter work at McDonald's. Unfortunately they control the play lists at National Public Radio. And when they think no one's looking, hidden by the tinted windows of their Priuses, they crack a Diet Coke and chug it like it's going out of style.
Oh God. Results 1 - 10 of about 57,400 for "organic maple syrup".
She's not alone.
About the author
Ptiza Odelay was created in a factory by Nazi scientists during World
War II. She was to be the ultimate weapon against the Allies, but
before she grew into maturity in her birthing tank, the war ended and
the project was scrapped. Years later, she was found still in her tank
in a hidden sub-basement of a warehouse in Berlin and inadvertently
shipped to the United States. During transit the casing of the tank
was ruptured and she was born seemingly in her early twenties with all
of the knowledge of mankind programmed into her brain. She speaks
eighty languages and has been known to crush diamonds with her bare
hands. She is wanted in twenty countries and was last seen diving into
an active volcano somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. In her spare time,
she writes popular children's fiction, erotica and groundbreaking
journalism under the name Ashley "Danger" Meeks.Read her 'Confessions of a Recovering Teenager' column
