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The last circle of hell that is the late-night store
IF I HAD ONE WISH, I WOULD ASK FOR A BIG ENOUGH ASS FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO KISS...
by Ashley 'Danger' Meeks
We nabbed our lovely Amerikan correspondent Ptiza Odelay from a real job to tell you about America and stuff in her new column, 'Confessions of a Recovering Teenager'. And believe us, she'll tell you hard.
I'm really glad I'm not the guy who had to use two condoms in the parking lot behind work last night, on whoever or whatever he was using them on.
I'm really glad I'm not the girl he was fucking in the parking lot last night.
I really wonder about the kind of people who would fuck in the alley behind a pub, that anxious to get it on, probably totally drunk out of their minds (hence having to use a second condom, "It's okay baby, it happens to every guy...") and yet they've got the foresight to have condoms on them.
I'm really glad I'm not the guy with the knife and no can opener who had to stab open the big tin of Dinty Moore beef stew in the same parking lot last night. Man, the strange things that go on when everyone goes home. You people are rats.
One step up from knife-guy and condom-guy, but still I'm glad I'm not the bachelors who hit the grocery late at night trying to pick up chicks in the Express Lane and try out their humorously jaded lines on cute girls buying organic honeydew melons. If I were one of these guys I'd at least go and pretend I was buying wine, or good bread, or something. If I had to pick between 'Michelob Ultra, toilet roll and boil-in-bag rice' OR the guy who's buying Fudgcicles, one small tin of green beans, and a double pack of single-use aluminum pans, I'd pick Ellen Simonetti, the blogger who worked for an airline, posted raunchy pics of herself in uniform on her journal, told her bosses what she'd done and was somehow surprised when she got fired, because she's still more fun to rip the shit out of of.
Important lesson for the day: "Inert filler" means plastic wrap and old meat. So if you're buying hot dogs and you see "inert filler" that's there to cover the eventuality of a truck breaking down and all the hotdogs and bologna inside going to shit, then that truck coming back to the packing plant and having all that maggoty meat dumped back into the mixers with the good stuff and mixed together, plastic and maggots and all, and made into new shit.
About the author
Ptiza Odelay was created in a factory by Nazi scientists during World
War II. She was to be the ultimate weapon against the Allies, but
before she grew into maturity in her birthing tank, the war ended and
the project was scrapped. Years later, she was found still in her tank
in a hidden sub-basement of a warehouse in Berlin and inadvertently
shipped to the United States. During transit the casing of the tank
was ruptured and she was born seemingly in her early twenties with all
of the knowledge of mankind programmed into her brain. She speaks
eighty languages and has been known to crush diamonds with her bare
hands. She is wanted in twenty countries and was last seen diving into
an active volcano somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. In her spare time,
she writes popular children's fiction, erotica and groundbreaking
journalism under the name Ashley "Danger" Meeks.Read her 'Confessions of a Recovering Teenager' column
