The indie crafter's workout

by Mr. APassionForFashion

"My other car is a sewing machine." "Don't blame me, I voted for Etsy." The bumper-stickers for indie craft paradise Etsy.com give some idea of the obssessive nature of the craft community. Mr. APassionForFashion says it's not all bad, though - her craft store trips are giving his indie-crafting wife one hell of a workout.

NOTE: You can get your own Etsy "BUM-per sticker" in the Etsy Labs shop.

Now that Mrs. APassionForFashion (my wife Jennifer) has admitted to her Etsy-addiction, our way of life has been forever altered. I'm not talking about her 3 a.m. Etsy-surfing with other craft-obssessed insomniacs. I'm talking about her figure. Lately she's been looking great! Especially in her custom Etsy sweat pants.

I first noticed her new figure in the craft store... She was repeatedly squatting down to look at scrapbook paper on the bottom shelf for use in her pendants. That's when it hit me: Since starting her Etsy shop aPassionForFashion, Jennifer has improved her muscle tone and fitness level. The craft store is just a slightly cheaper form of the gym!

CRAFT STORE CARDIO

First there's cardio. At the craft store, waiting in the material cutting line is a lot like waiting for a treadmill. My wife was in a state of anticipation as she inched forward with her fabric bolts. Once serviced, the real work-out began.

Try a 20-minute high intensity session of Shopping Cart Arm Rows with two fussy, hungry kids - pushing two fully loaded shopping carts while holding a child will really work your traps and lats.

After a short break, Mrs. APassionForFashion moves energetically about the store (the larger the store, the more calories you'll burn). Walking the aisles at a brisk pace will melt away those holiday pounds (but if you encounter the Creepy Craft Guy? At that point, you want to pick up the pace and run).

STAYING FOCUSED

The Creepy Craft Guy is usually a lost husband. Try not to make eye contact and never share trade secrets. Another person to avoid is the Newbie Crafter Time Waster - you can spot them a mile away - soccer moms and older ladies in their stretchy elastic fancy pants who can't wait to ask you how to make their very first beaded bracelet. Just hand them your Etsy business card and move on.

GETTING SHREDDED

Look for items on the lower shelves and simply squat down to work your legs and glutes. A baby in each arm adds greater resistance. I call this the Paper Pendant Squat because Mrs. APassionForFashion uses an abundance of fancy paper in her pendants. Feel the burn, ladies! Remember to breathe!

A great complement to the Paper Pendant Squat is the Out of Stock Calf Raise. Working against the previous squat, just stand on your tiptoes to search the high shelves for items that are most likely... out of stock.

Can't decide what to buy? Try the Etsy Indecisive Cardio routine where you pace back forth for 20 minutes. Better yet, get your kids to squirm around and grab at the beads; it will work your core like never before.

As a last resort, you or the kids can try to pull your wife out of the store. It's not selfish of you - just think of the isometric resistance!

TIPS FOR GUYS

If you need to visit the restroom, chase after your kids, or walk away from your wife or girlfriend for any reason in the craft store, take a cell phone so you can find your way back. Otherwise you risk turning into the Creepy Craft Guy yourself. Even with a child in tow, know where the store exits are at all times and do not stop to ask for directions from a Newbie Crafter Time Waster.

Also, if your wife has to leave your side, don't get left holding her bag. That means her purse, crafty items or anything fluffy.

Now, while most guys hit the weights at the gym, most ladies like to take classes where they can stretch, talk... talk... and talk some more. The craft store offers all this and more with classes, too. In fact, taking a craft class is a lot like taking yoga. So encourage your wife to take a class while you wait in the car or, better yet, at home.

COOLING DOWN

To wind down her workout, Mrs. APassionForFashion makes her way to the checkout line (which always involves one last cardio blast - a mad dash out to the car to grab the 40% off coupon that she left on the front seat). (Remember, guys... Don't get left holding her bag in the checkout line either. This is a cruel trick.)

As Mrs. APassionForFashion lifts her items out of the cart, she works her biceps and tightens her abs (the more you buy, the more reps you'll perform). But when the cashier rings up an item at the wrong price, my wife gets stressed. Keep your stress in check, or your body will release fat-producing Cortisol. Don't sabotage your craft-store burn at the last hurdle!

Finally, be very careful not to bulk up too much or you may end up with an overstock of supplies that you'll have to destash and sell on Etsy at 3 o'clock in the morning.

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