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Kitsch dating in the fifties style
Photo: Claire Brewis xxx 
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by Ruby Mae James
Retro dating is less about moving in with the first man who buys you a bag of doritos and more about saving the awful act of a french kiss for your wedding day. Ruby Mae James tells you how to date... fifties style.
There is a lot to be said for dating during the 1950's. In these dark times when we jump anything with a pulse and a bag of Doritos there is a certain superiority about harking back to a time where your only real worry is 'is my skirt puffy enough?'. There are actually many old 50's booklets you can pick up at your local kitsch collectable store or car boot sale, but as it is my mission to spread the word of kitsch among the masses, I shall dispense the best bits now for that all-important first date.
1. Never ask men out.
This is a no-no. Throw your copies of 'The Female Eunuch' out of the window now! No man wants an independent girl with a wild and crazy mind of her own. To get your man, remember the 3 B's: Baking, Blushing, and Beauty. Make him a batch of cookies claiming you overmade some for the church fair. Act demure and sweet - being a brazen hussy gets you nowhere except maybe the docks, and don't even think about leaving the house without looking like Marilyn Monroe's stunt double. He'll soon be asking you to that dance at the community hall.
2. Lotions and potions day.
It's no good simply putting on a fancy dress and a bit of lipgloss for the first date. Casual JUST WON'T DO. You need your hair and nails done, a long soak in oodles of bubbles, and enough lotion that you slide straight off your mother's plastic-covered furniture into the dining room. For those on a budget, head to Boots for the Soap and Glory range and Ms Manicure for at home nails. Bit more cash and time to spare? Log onto www.lush.co.uk and head for Lush's sister company, www.bnevertoobusytobebeautiful.comB for 50's/60's style goodies. For those with cash to burn, Benefit is the only range for you. Pluck and suck everything... and for the love of Betty, make sure your shoes and purse match. I cannot stress this enough, ladies.
3. Location, location, location.
Forget jet skiing or bungee jumping. This is hard to do in heels, anyway. The cinema is where it's at. Make sure you get a middle seat, not the back! It's just not classy - you are a 50's girl! If he is a junior executive however, dinner and dancing should be the norm. Do NOT pay for anything yourself. You are a woman, unable to grasp concepts such as maths and currency. Stick to thinking about kittens. Let the man worry about the tough stuff like how to open a door and the physical labour behind pulling out chairs.
4. The end of the night.
As he walks you to the door at the very late hour of 10pm, tell him that you had a wonderful time and, if you're really comfortable and ready, give him a peck on the cheek. He may ask for one on the mouth but you mustn't. Save that special moment for your wedding day. If he attempts the awful act of french kissing, call for the police. Hopefully, your father will still be awake, shotgun in hand anyway so your date should know better.
Follow these methods, invest in a good lipstick and watch the boys come a-calling!
About the author
Ruby Mae James is a performance artist/comedian/writer who does a sideline in supervillainry and eating pic'n'mix. She drinks only babycham and wanders around the house in 50's style cocktail dresses, Elvis shades and bunny slippers pretending to be profound.
