20 Things I hate about me.

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Magda says...

Thanks so much for sending this. I love you. You sound like a right drama queen, living life and full of life but trapped in an endless hall of mirrors where everything reflects back your sense of self. Honesty is a really good place to start, so thank you. I actually really want to tell you that I bet you're really pretty and just the right shape and a really interesting person and a survivor. I'm not going to though. All those things are true, but I'm going to tell you some other stuff - because you don't know me, and therefore the other stuff may, perhaps, be of more use to you.

One of the things I love best about your brave, pissed-off letter is that it lists everything that's bad about you. And it's probably all true! I love the fact that it's such a long list, and has all the things that's true about most people - except they hate admitting all those things about themselves all at once. Bloody well done for writing it and getting it all out of your system and not lying.

Now let's start again shall we?

1) Let's assume all of the above things are true, or a little bit true, or true some/most of the time. You've probably coloured it a bit because you feel shit, but let's take it as pretty much the gospel truth.

2) You sound like you think you're just a taker. But reading between the lines I'm getting that you're also a giver. You take attention, bad or good, but you give out energy and life. That's generous.

3) Now you have to write out a list with AS MANY POINTS as the one above about what your positive aspects are and what you've done that's good and benefited the world around you, not just for yourself but people around you. That's 20 points. I don't want you to make a sickly-sweet bullshit list with yadda-yadda pinky-fluffy stuff. That's not going to work for you right now. I want you to take a firm, hard look at yourself and write out a positive list that doesn't lie to make things sound worse than they are and doesn't cheat. You get to decide what 'cheating' is. As many points as the shit list above. Okay? I'll know you've done it when you email it to me, even if you tell me to delete the email straight afterwards.

4) Why write the list? Because everyone gets trapped in their own dumb story, and stories can be rewritten. Sometimes people get trapped in their own hype. More often, people get trapped in 'I hate myself'. You can't just delete the lines in your story you don't want to read any more. You have to actively replace them with something new. That takes work. That takes a list. That takes repetition. If you don't start somewhere, you'll never end up anywhere. So a 'stupid' list is as good a place to start changing your story as any. Writing this list will make you cry. But writing the bad list above made you cry. Don't worry about tears. The cry has to go somewhere.

5) You're going to hate me for saying this, but you know what? Your list was funny. In a good way. Sorry. Don't punch me. It was funny because some of the finest, most cathartic comedy is built on taking dangerous truths and laying them out for people to see, whether it's for us to see or for other people to see. (Go back to point 2.) I think you've got a LOT to offer and it's already coming through your personality. You just have to figure out how.

6) You veer between feeling superior and inferior. Everyone has these ups and downs where they feel useless or think everyone else is a wanker and this seesaw is usually pretty extreme, but most people are better at hiding it or working through it. When the up-down superior/inferior extremes get really severe, what happens, I think, is that you're closing in on yourself too much and that feels like it's stifling you. You need to break out of yourself a bit. This isn't about good/bad personality. This is about good/bad for a human being. Whether you feel superior or inferior, what you're actually doing is thinking about yourself way too much, and if you're feeling crappy, thinking about yourself too much is something you need to give yourself time out from or you'll start cementing the Story of You in a way that's not the best story you could be coming up with (see point 4).

7) Let's say you believe what I said in point 6. What are you going to do about it? Well, you don't have to change too much. But you do have to make some changes. You have to create something in your life where you're not thinking about yourself. Just to give your mind a break. A bit of peace and recharge-time.

8) Suggestions for recharging the self? For you, seriously, I think something phsyical and demanding. Something that will give you loads of self-respect, that will push you a bit, that will make you not think. Unless you've got a phsyical disability that might stop you I am going to suggest martial arts. A martial arts lesson once or twice a week for the next 8 weeks will give you a chance to find out if it's going to help. Click the martial arts link to see what I'm talking about. Actually, I think you'd benefit from ANY regular phsyical activity right now, and not just sex! Dance classes, running a bit further each day with an iPod, you name it. The reason I'm suggesting the old kicky-fighty is because (a) it's got philosophy built into it which I think you'd find useful, and (b) huge numbers of people go into martial arts either because they're really shy and need to build confidence, or because they're really angry and need to balance out. Awesome stuff. And if you already do martial arts, balance it out with a yin style to get grounded.

9) More suggestions: If you're really up and down with people, or at least in how you think about them, get some animal action. Start volunteering at a city farm. Or volunteer in a charity shop. You'll meet a million people and get cheap clothes. You just have to think of ways where, lovely you though you are, you are thinking about something that isn't yourself. Just as an exercise, as recharge-time. Do the washing-up. Listen to someone else tell a really boring story. They don't have to be huge ways, but if you start looking for exercises to help you not think, or to think about other people, you'll come up with ideas that suit you.

10) Let's make it really clear: I'm not interested in if you're a selfish person. I just think you need to make some time to escape your sense of self. Oh yeah, and if you do drugs, drugs don't count. You need something that's day-to-day reality. You also need to make sure that you're thinking about other people a bit. Again, not because you're selfish. But because a lot of what you're going through stems from you feeling very alienated and alone. Everyone is a mess (some of the time) and covers it up partly because they're ashamed and partly because they don't want to bother anyone with how alone they are. If you let yourself open your eyes you'll see that your sense of being separate actually makes you part of everyone and everything around you. You are not alone.

11) Back to the list. Even if you think I'm talking bollocks you will promise to make it won't you? Now, about your last thoughts often being "Oh god, I want to top myself" before you fall asleep. That's part of the story again. You need to start re-writing that story because it's tiring for you. Take your list. Write it out again and cut it into strips, a point on each strip. That'll be 20 strips. Fold those strips up and put them into a drawstring bag or a sock. Whatever. Each night, if there's no-one around to catch you at it, close your eyes and pull a strip out of the bag. Think about the strip. Think about pulling out a strip that will somehow make a difference to your day, and your life, even if you don't know what or how. Read the strip. Now put the strip under your pillow, so you sleep on it all night. Think all the bad thoughts you like, but every time you think a suicidal one, think "Remember the strip". Don't think about it too hard, or mean it. Just say it in your head. Then go to sleep. Then, in the morning, read the strip again and fold it up and put it back in the bag.

In 1-2 weeks I guarantee you will feel differently about yourself. You'll be suprised in what way that starts showing itself, though.

12) Another list. Not till you make the first one and work with it though. But if you do the first list, you should start getting some ideas about what changes you want to make. Small ones. About your life. And make another list. Doesn't have to be any length. Just things you want to do with your days, or with your heart, or start paying attention to. And do the bag and sleep thing.

Good luck. x