Advice - Asylum was no asylum
Dear Mookychick,
So maybe I'm getting in over my head asking this question, and if you don't know where to go with it, you certainly don't have to answer it.
So here's my story: As a kid, starting at age 6 I was abused, and at 13 I was raped. This was extremely hard to bear for me, doubly so because I have manic depression. As hard as all was to deal with, I survived for several more years, until I attempted suicide. I survived, though, but I was sent to a psychiatric ward. There have been good kinds, and I recognize that some have really helped people. Mine wasn't. I went through several diagnoses and medication, and on top of that... there's a kind of abuse that goes on in there that I don't think many people are aware of. The doctors hold an incredible amount of power there, and they control everything. The medications, and it's up to them if they want to abuse you. Because of course, they have the PHD, and you have the mental illness. You have no control. I came out like I went in, only this time with PTSD. From a place that was supposed to be an asylum, to be a place of healing.
Right now, it's been about a year since I came back. I have no family left that I would want to associate with, my friends treat me so differently, and I can't honestly say that I'm in a better mindset, if anything I'm in a worse one.
I identify with the musician Emilie Autumn, because she has a story very similar to my own. And she's the only reason I'm not in a darkened hole right now, because I know that I'm not alone.
I don't want to take medication, although I'm supposed to. I don't want to see a therapist, I don't want to do anything. I just want to be normal... and to feel better about myself and the world around me, so I guess that's my question. How do I do that?
Love, Anonymous Me xxx
The Mookychick answer to your problem
Lottie says...
First of all I am sorry for what you have been going through and I realise it must be a continuous frustration for you to come to terms with. I am unsure of how old you are but I am sure you would like to 'get on' with your life. It seems to me that you have been up rooted left, right and centre and have never found a sacred place to be when things get tough. I am going on the information you have given me that you are still suffering from Manic Depression and PTSD.
You say you do not want to take medication, however hopefully I am right to assume that if you have suffered from Manic Depression a long time and have been to see your GP about this then they would put you on medication and its not one of those medications that are easy to come off, serious side effects/consequences are likely to happen if you take yourself off these. The only way to come off medication for depression is slowly. I would talk to your GP about this, they may suggest that you do go see a therapist, in which I would have to agree. This is for your best interest and to make sure that coming off the medication is the right thing to do. You say you "don't want to do anything, and to be normal", this is perfectly understandable, considering what you have gone through.
No one should feel worthless, depressed and to have no trust in anyone. Although, like I have stated before, I think it would be a positive step for you if you went to see a therapist, someone who is professional and trustworthy and someone who you can open up to and tell the issues you are having. This would be taking that leap into wanting to "be normal" and have a positive outlook on life. I know you must be feeling like you don't need the help and can do this by yourself, however this would be much more difficult especially when there are people out there who are willing to help you freely, medication free.
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