Your question: I plan to put my baby up for adoption, and the father isn't helping

Okay so here's the deal, one of my friends and I were messing around some time back and I ended up getting pregnant. He's gone back and forth from encouraging me to keep the baby to harassing me about getting an abortion because "it would make everyone's life easier."

Now, obviously I have decided to keep our wonderful baby boy alive. I am 19 and attending college at the moment. I have chosen a very supportive, very open family to place my son with for adoption. This family is incapable of having their own baby and prayed for a baby for some time. I'm not a religious person by any means, but I believe that my son is most definitely meant for their family.

There are several problems, though. The father of my baby continuously flip flops on his opinion on the situation and his feelings towards myself. Although I do have intense feelings for him, I refuse to focus on that as my main issue. My main point is getting our baby safely into this world and into the arms of a family that would do a million times better at caring for our son than we ever will.

One setback is that my baby's daddy is 16. I'm almost in the third trimester and he still hasn't told his parents. The adoption papers are yet to be finalized, but he's afraid his parents may have to sign the consent papers. He's been begging me to say that I don't know who the father is, but I don't want to sound like a slut. He's the only person I've been with for over a year and so there's no other way that any of my other partners could have been the father. It's physically impossible. Thus, I'm most definitely telling them who the father is. But I don't think that a letter saying, "Dear Mrs. So-n-So, your son has a son now let's sign papers" is the best way to go about telling his parents.

How do I talk to my baby's father and tell him the importance of telling his parents? How do I express my support for him without letting my emotions get the best of me? I don't really know how to help a 16 year old boy cope with this crazy situation! I know that I'm scared and that I need him very much, but I think he needs me just as much. We are not in a relationship and don't plan on having one, but I think we just really need to get through this together.

This is a very sticky situation and I really don't know what to do but it needs to be done soon. I've only got a little over three months left!

Help!

Love, Anonymous Me xxx

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Magda says...

relationship advice Hey, lovely. You really have had a major few months haven't you? Sounds like you've been strong through it, too. Having a baby is a big deal. In comparison, lying and saying you don't know who the father is on a form is not a big deal. At least, not from the point of view of your reputation. To be honest, when you compare it to having a baby, jumping up and down naked in the street screaming at the top of your lungs "I'm a slut" isn't a big deal. Does it matter what some faceless secretary stamping a form somewhere might think? Absolutely not.

To be honest, my only real concern about your lying on this form is that there's a chance your son might one day want to know who his birth-father is. Even so, with your name clearly there as the mother, your son will have a contact if he needs one. Perhaps you could even talk to the authorities about changing the form to say that actually you do know the father's identity, once he's come of age enough that (a) parental consent won't be needed, (b) the family have full adoptive rights and their family won't be split up if the father's parents get actively involved?

I can't tell you how the last six months might have been easier for you, or how the law stands, so I'm just going to try to outline your priorities as I see them - based on what you've told us.

1) He hasn't told his parents he's going to father a child? You need each other, but you describe him as a friend, not a boyfriend? Your relationship may be a really good one, but he's not ready to be a father. You know that. I think you've also made the decision to accept that your baby's well-being is priority number one. That means his welfare comes above your relationship and fears about parents or reputation (but really, don't worry about your reputation. You're being good and strong).

2) It sounds like this family is going to be really great for your boy. That's wonderful, and it's so good that you've been able to decide for yourself that they'd be able to give him a good start in life. You want the best for your son, so it's your priority to make sure that the best for him goes ahead and happens.

3) Okay, so in an ideal situation (which may not occur) you have your son adopted into a great family, and both you and your friend have your names stated as birth-parents, and your friend doesn't need his parents' consent. That means you need to get some sound legal advice about adoption procedure where you live. Phone advice helplines, speak to social workers if you have them, contact adoption sites. Do whatever it takes to find out the info you need. Can your friend list himself as the birth-father without parental consent? Would you perhaps be able to change your details once he's old enough to not require consent, so you could list him as the father at a later date?

4) Let's say you've done the legwork and found out there's no way he can be listed as father without parental consent. From what you've told us, I'd say it's in the best interests of your baby and yourself to lie. Don't see it as a tarnished reputation. The adoptive family doesn't care, the authorities won't judge you, your social peers don't have to know. Yes, lying feels like a burden to carry, but I'm sure you're strong enough to keep putting your baby's priorities first, just as you have been doing. It certainly doesn't mean anyone will view you as a slut! It means you're a practical woman who has decided to do the best thing she can for her son, under the circumstances, as a mother, and has stuck to her guns just as she meant to by providing him with a really good home with a fantastic, grateful adopted family. Exactly like she'd intended.

The last option would have been to make sure your friend's parents knew and take things as they came - either they would or wouldn't give their consent. Ideally this would have happened much, much earlier, and you could have based your decisions on that. With your baby due to be born in about three months, I would suggest - and it might sound harsh - that the responsibilities you've gladly accepted as a birth-mother mean that you no longer see this as an option, because it's not a safe one, and your baby needs safe.

However, you need as much information under your belt as you can get. Talk to people who know! Phone helplines! Research the net! Find out exactly what you need to know to make the most solid decision.

It goes without saying - good luck in all that you do. Make sure your decisions pan out for you. Get informed about the legalities involved. Stick to your guns. Be strong.

Ashley says...

relationship advice It sounds like you've found a great couple capable of turning your mistake into the completion of a family - people who desperately want to have and raise a child well.

I don't envy them, considering the possibility that the "flip flops" of a teenage boy too horny to put a condom on might destroy that possibility. You're online. Find out if, legally, his parents have to sign off on adopting out the baby. If they do, for heaven's sake, lie. Sign the form that says you don't know who the father is (trust me, this does not go in your permanent record at school). Get that baby with the couple, leave Randypan the Goat Boy to his Internet jollies and his self-absorption and put yourself on a sex time-out until you get an IUD.

Finally, "Messing around"? I hope that's not the answer this boy's parents give him when he inevitably asks where babies come from. Speaking of his parents, if you really and truly screw this up for a couple willing to put themselves through the intense contortions required to adopt a baby, you'll never find the words to describe something else - a regret the likes of which you have no way of conceptualizing right now.

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