I'm a boy virgin about to lose my virginity for the first time

Dear Mookychick,

I'm a guy, I'm 18 and I really need your advice! I'm currently dating with a girl who's quite experienced in sex and she thinks I'm experienced as well. But I'm sorry to say I'm still a virgin (don't laugh please) and I have sort of general ideas about how it's all supposed to be done.

We're just kissing and going out together and recently she hinted that she wants me come to hers for obvious reasons. I'm REALLY nervous and need some advice, please help!

Love, Anonymous Me xxx

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Char says...

Well, first things first, please please please don't worry - whether you're a virgin or not, every time you sleep with a boy (and in your case a girl, for obvious reasons) it's like kind of losing your virginity again each time. One of my exes liked certain things that my other ex didn't. Different strokes for different folks and all that jazz! Seriously, though, you dont neccessarily HAVE to tell her that you're a virgin, but she won't laugh at you (unless she's a total bitch and then you'll be better off without her anyhoo) and in fact you may find that the sharing of such an intimate moment could indeed strengthen the love currently growing between the both of you.

My advice is to first of all be honest with her and then say something like 'Ah, but I wanted to wait for the right girl - I think it's you...' Just because you're not experienced doesn't mean that it can't happen - and it doesn't mean you need to forget about the fundamentalities of such lurve moments like johnnies, wine and chocolates...trust me, all she'll be worried about is her body, how much of a good time you're having and whether she looks OK... and don't expect her to orgasm because, honey, for a girl that takes time, so don't feel disappointed if she doesn't (I'm 99% sure she won't, not that I wanna put a dampener on things or anything. It's just that these movies have a hell of a lot to answer for. It's not two jiggs to ecstacy!)

So, m'darling... get showered, take it slow, relax and enjoy!

Good luck!!

Debs says...

First of all, there's nothing wrong with being a virgin, so no-one is going to laugh.

Secondly, it's just sex you're going to have. It's not something to be nervous or scared of, it's something to be enjoyed. That said, it's difficult to not be nervous about it. Whether it's your first time, or your first time with someone new, you're going to be worried that you won't do it 'right'. But your girlfriend will be thinking exactly the same, no matter how confident she seems.

The thing is, when you get down to it, you need to let it happen naturally. Don't rush anything, just listen to both your bodies. You will know what to do. There's no great mystery to it all, it's just sex. Sex is different for everyone, you'll probably find that whilst one girl likes one thing, another will like something else and you'll find they do things to you that you like and that you'll either miss or be glad to see the back of when you move on. There are no hard or fast rules to what sex is, it's just something people do.

And you say this girl is quite experienced, but how do you know that, have you talked about it? Why does she think you're experienced too? Did you lie to her? Could she have lied to you? Are you both as experienced or inexperienced as you really think?

You will probably need to tell her it's your first time, so she doesn't mistake any possible clumsiness as bad technique. But other than that, as long as you make sure it's safe and you're both happy with what you're doing, then go and enjoy yourself.

Ashley says...

The tart is bullying you and making you feel powerless. Don't hop in the sack with her. If you do, you'll find out the deep, dark, tangled childhood reasons why she's so aggressively seeking coitus, and you'll run - just like all the boys she's clung to in the past. You've only got one chance to start your sexual life out on a good foot. Don't waste it on a nut!

Magda says...

Hey there. First off, I asked four men your question and this was their advice: MAN 1: Even with experience if you are into someone the first time can be like losing your virginity all over again. I would stick with the lie until it's over but that's me. I think most boys have been in this situation or similar.

MAN 2: Just go with lots and lots of foreplay and the rest will take care of itself. And bear in mind that in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal. Drinking will help.

MAN 3: Have a couple of drinks beforehand and then if the sex isn't that great you can blame it on the alcohol. That's your first time out of the way, and the second time will be better, and you won't need to hide behind the drink.

MAN 4: Either come clean about your virginity so she'll be a sympathetic lover, or... fuck it. Have a few drinks, relax and go for it and enjoy. Lots of foreplay!

Now, onto Ashley's advice above: I reckon Ashley's saying that although the first time is wrapped in anxiety it's not actually going to shape the rest of your life. The first time I had sex, I thought I knew my stuff but forgot to raise my legs and lay stiff as a board. Hot stuff. I let him assume I wasn't a virgin but that business with the legs was a bit of a giveaway. Oh, and then his girlfriend (who he hadn't told me about) phoned up from Sweden halfway through. What a fairytale! If that mortifying experience was in any way life-shaping I'd be sexually and emotionally doomed for the rest of my life.

First times can be great, but the likelihood is that they will become a memory that will either embarrass or amuse you. That can be avoided, but if that's how the dice roll... go with it. The sex will get better in time.

You say this girl is more experienced than you. Obviously you don't want to disappoint her, but you shouldn't feel threatened by anyone else's experience. I'm a little intrigued as to why your girlfriend thinks you're experienced - did you lie, or just not tell the truth?

If you're not sure about telling her you're a virgin there are flexible ways of presenting the truth. You could say you have some experience in situations leading up to sex but NOT including full sex because the girls hadn't felt ready and you weren't going to push it. Also, everyone likes to be pleased, so tell her you want to find out what she likes and learn how to do it to her well.

If your dating gets as far as full sex, then during sex:

1) Have a good time and enjoy yourself.

2) Go slow if you can. Not just for the sex act - if the foreplay, y'know, the whole kissing and touching thing, has already got her in the mood, then that's at least halfway to making sure she has a good time once you're having sex.

3) Okay, let's be horribly graphic: Use fingers on her down there before you have sex so that she feels ready herself, and at some point ask her if that's how she likes it. If you're feeling up to it, use your tongue, as well. No teeth, and slow licking rather than any sucking to be on the safe side!

4) Use a condom. If necessary, practise applying them beforehand so it's not the first time you've tried to apply one. And I know this sounds crazy, but if you haven't bought them before (and I'm sure you have), just buy them like they were as exciting as peanut butter. Don't buy the whole chemist, and don't feel apologetic for what you're buying. They're just condoms, and chemists have seen it all before, and they really don't care.

5) If it doesn't happen how you planned it, and it seems appropriate, try to see the lighter side. There'll always be a next time. The second will be better than the first, and the third time should be really something.

6) It's far easier than riding a bike - it's just the first time that's scary. Good luck! I hope it works out for you.

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