Losing my virginity to an overprotective boyfriend
Dear Mookychick,
I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost a year and a half now, and while there's nothing really wrong in our relationship that would mean its end, I can't help but worry about one little thing that keeps happening. He constantly keeps worrying that he has offended or upset me with things that he has done or is doing and therefore feels extremely guilty about it whether or not it actually has.
The reason it really confounds and worries me is that I'm a really laid back and open-minded girl, which he knows. It takes quite a lot to bother me for the most part, and he knows this as well. But still he's constantly worried about basically pissing me off or making me sad. And I love him for it, but I really don't want him to punish himself for things that he doesn't need to do so for.
One example comes from when we first started dating. I told him early on that I was a virgin and had no plans to become otherwise without marriage (no desire for babies while in school and all), and for some reason he thought that if he didn't pretend to be one as well, I would break up with him on the spot. It turned out he had slept with a girl before beginning to date me, but even after I had found out, he continued to beat himself up about both hiding the fact as well as having done it even though I made it perfectly clear that he may as well have had a clear sexual past, because I honestly didn't care he had the same physical feelings for another girl whom he was still friends with. It took quite awhile to convince him afterwards that just because I was much more sexually innocent than him didn't mean I would love him any less.
Another example happened more recently. It was my birthday and he really wanted to go to a party that he had been looking forward to for awhile, and I let him go without any conviction. I don't particularly hold my birthday in high regard, just seeing as the particular day I was born in and not much more, and didn't mind that he wanted to go do something for himself (especially since we'd spent part of the day earlier on together). Still he felt incredibly guilty about going, and would not take my reassurance that I really didn't mind to heart. Finally I went to the party with him to quash at least a little of his bad feelings, unable to stand that he would be miserable there while he kept beating himself up.
It's not the fact that he's worried about my feelings that bothers me (I know I'm a damn lucky girl to have such a guy at only 19 years of age). It's the fact that he does so very excessively and considers himself a bad boyfriend every time he feels he has let me down emotionally.
I don't want him to feel this way, and I want him to know once and for all that even if he did screw up royally and really hurt me, I would at least give him to benefit of the doubt and try to move on with him, along with letting him know exactly how I feel about his actions.
It really bothers me when he beats himself up over me when I don't feel he has done wrong, but I no longer know how to explain to him that he doesn't have to feel this way to such an extreme. I really love him, and I can't stand that he's sad because he thinks I am. Can you help me, dear mooky?
Love, Anonymous Me xxx
The Mookychick answer to your problem
The Mookychick 'agony sisters' are all experienced girls of the world who can give you down-to-earth advice on any problem, hugely big or ludicrously small. They have no professional advice experience whatsoever, but since when has that ever stopped anyone? They have lived life to the full and are totally on your side!
Ashley says...
So basically, you don't communicate and he lies?
In this relationship, there's a constant hum of miscommunication and
overcompensation in lieu of communication, and that raises your
hackles. In turn, you've been bothered for so long that he thinks it's
an incidental thing; he can no longer see the forest for the trees.
And by the way, slow down. You're 19, but your letter sounds like
'Making This Work' is as crushing a task as cutting down a tree with a
herring while balancing a baby on your hip. Take a breath. It's okay.
The way you talk about this boyfriend makes him seem like a sniveling
Rowling-esque house-elf, willing to bash his head into a wall for not
being a good servant. And the way you describe certain situations -
such as your birthday - ring totally disingenuous even from halfway
across the globe. Like this: "he really wanted to go to a party that he had
been looking forward to for awhile, and I let him go without any
conviction. I don't particularly hold my birthday in high regard, just
seeing as the particular day I was born in and not much more," seems
like a total falsehood, one of those sniffing comments made by a
near-tears, long-suffering martyr of a woman. "No, honey. It's okay.
You go and enjoy your night out. Don't worry about me. I'm fine."
The
reason he keeps thinking something is wrong is because something is
wrong - it's called communication.
Char says...
Hey there
Yes, you are lucky to have a lovely boyfriend, at any age, let alone 19!
And good on you for standing by your beliefs and not wavering with this hot totty boyfriend of yours. But the thing is, honey, is that... well... virgins are intimidating! (Well - to me they are. And to a lot of my friends whom I've asked.) It's not about you, it's about them... or him as the case may be.
Virginal attributes are all pure and innocent and white which suggests that non-virgins are a little bit naughty. We all have parents who've brought us up to believe in certain things and there are a lot of parents in the world who bring children up to believe that sex is a wrong thing to do, that it's somehow dirty, sinful and shameful unless you're married. You only have to look at the way society reacts to pr4wn and masturbation and even sexuality to see that people who aren't virgins are seen as somehow morally beneath the ones who are virgins or married.
This is why virgins are intimidating. We always think that the person who is a virgin must think we are slutty, dirty, wrong and mistrustful and not good enough, which is why perhaps, he is behaving like this. I bet you don't drink alcohol either? He'll feel guilty for enjoying the simple pleasures in life that a big chunk of the population enjoy - sex with himself, sex thoughts (he'll get frustrated at times) dancing with rude girls, watching pr4wn, getting so pissed you can't stand up, puking and then laughing about it, having a joint, a line, whatever. He's prolly worried you'll be sitting there in your high horse morally blasting him!
Even if you're not (and it sounds like you wouldn't)... He's so worried for doing right he's doing wrong - he probably feels like you're judging him, although you say you're not.
Could your whiter than white attitude to everything be getting him down? Do you even shout at him and tell him he's a twat? Maybe you should. To shoulder some of the anger or upsetness onhis part, instead of patting him and saying 'there there', say 'You know what? You really pissed me off. You're irritating me.' Thi may help to make him feel less guilty about pissing you off.
Sometimes if you're too nice, it can make a soul suspicious! By all means talk to him, tell him how you feel - but girly, you got to keep em' on their toes too!
Loves
Char xx
Magda says...
I'm torn, because on the one hand it sounds like you're pretty mature and, as you say, genuinely open-minded. On the other hand, it sounds like the pair of you have had a year and a half socialising in fairly different ways.
It sounds like the underlying personalities in your relationship fit a lot better than your social-behavioural personalities. The relationship is working as it stands but this issue is going to escalate. Neither of you have social habits that are in synch, so more and more will happen that he feels a need to apologise for.
Mainly, though, I worry that your badge of honour is your easygoing open-mindedness. Going on a hunch here, but I suspect you're more comfortable with getting hurt than hurting other people. Compliance and acceptance are your safety zone. Yes? No? If yes, don't let yourself disappear. You have to learn when you've accepted a situation, however small, because it's a cool way to be and it's in your lovely nature to do so - and when you've gone a step too far and complied with something because it would make you feel icky about yourself not to, because you're far too used to seeing other peoples' point of view, and because a part of you is scared of doing it any other way, in case you lose something precious. What is it you're going to lose? A boyfriend? A sense of yourself as a good person? Immaterial! We're aiming for goodness in this life, not perfection. Neither aiming to be 100% open-minded nor having a boyfriend are as important as having a sense of yourself as a whole, real person.
Just be aware that if you practise making a stand for what you truly think in small ways (eg. you want to go here, not there. You like kittens, not puppies. You want pizza, not italian. You want to go to bed early, not late...) then people will trust that you're being honest when you do accept stuff instead of wonder if you're hiding stuff away to make them feel better.
So practise being slightly less compliant with your boyfriend, and slightly more often, in areas which you know don't really matter to start off with. Treat them as a gentle training ground - for him, as well as for you. Show him that yes, you HAVE got opinions, so that when you say 'that's okay' and 'that's not okay' he feels a greater sense of trust that you mean them. Help him feel less guilty by showing him where you truly stand. And if you always take the 'I'm chilled' route, he won't know where you truly stand. So... if you say 'yep, go to a party without me on my birthday', he'll know you mean it - because the week before you turned around and said 'please raincheck your ex-girlfriend on this particular night because I've got PMT and I want to hang out with you and go do something cool.'
No-one's perfect. Everyone has expectations of themselves and what it means to be a good person. Sometimes you've got to learn that the 'rules' you play by are actually just guidelines that aren't appropriate to all occasions. And the real you might need to break them occasionally.
Of course, let's not forget the other angle: You've got a lovely boyfriend who trusts you'll let him live his own life and loves you for that, but nevertheless feels guilty. And you're lovely too. The end result? Just keep making him feel treasured just as he is, and make sure you feel treasured too!
Debs says...
Ok, it seems to me that your boyfriend doesn't feel that confident in the relationship. He probably thinks you're too good for him, so feels he should try to make sure you're happy. And if he has low self esteem, no matter what you say, he won't believe you when you tell him it's ok.
If it's been going on for a year and half now, it's not something that's going to change any time soon, unless you really do something about it. And that means you need to discuss how his behaviour is affecting you. And you need to be clear about what it is that you find annoying, as he won't be able to see what the problem is, after all, he's only worrying about making you happy. So just see if you can get him to go through a day with you without apologising, or if that seems hard, try for a couple of hours. Start from those little steps and start building up.
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