Need confidence advice.
Dear Mookychick,
I'm 18 and live with my boyfriend. I've quit two different colleges because of my problems with people. I don't know how to make friends and it's getting worse, because now I'm unemployed and hardly ever go out. I hate myself (a completely different topic) and just don't see why anyone would want to be friends with me. The only reason I ever thought I had friends was because people wanted to sleep with me, and I was happy to think I at least served a purpose, and at least pretend that someone wanted me. Obviously I won't do that now because I love my boyfriend to bits.
I really want to go out and make friends but I don't know how to, I get really paranoid whenever my boyfriend makes me go out that people are bitching about me. I want it to stop but I can't make it. I mean I know I'm a freak, but who's willing to see past that and actually be my friend? I just want someone to talk to, who wants to talk back, because I only ever speak to two people on a regular basis and that's my bloke and his mum (both of whom I live with). I don't know if I should break my heart and that of my boyfriend so I can go back to being a bit of a slut or just resign myself to being alone forever.
Love, Anonymous Me xxx
The Mookychick answer to your problem
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Magda says...
Poor thing. You've got yourself so tangled up in knots, you're even considering breaking up with your boyfriend just so that you can be as alone as you feel on the inside, just to prove to yourself you're not worthy.
Except you are worthy, aren't you? In spite of your low confidence, you have a boyfriend. He likes you enough to include you in his circle of friends, not keep you separate in an ivory tower. You not only have a boyfriend, you live with him. Not only that, but in his mum's house. It seems to me that even if not everybody accepts you, the ones that do accept you wholeheartedly in a way that they wouldn't anyone else.
Why throw all those good things away just because you feel awful?
As I'm sure you know, the problem is not other people. The problem is you don't trust yourself, and you find it hard to be positive about yourself. They say that everyone has only a few thoughts a day but keep thinking those thoughts over and over. Unfortunately, your record is stuck on thinking bad thoughts about yourself.
Try trusting yourself a little more. When you get the bad feelings in company and you feel social anxiety because your record's stuck on "they hate me, and they should because I'm useless", don't fight it too hard. Just go "Oh yes, there's my friend again, that feeling. I know that feeling. I can recognise it. Don't pretend you don't have it. Just accept that it's there, for the moment. Then remember this isn't your whole life - it's just an evening. Smile at people. Ask questions of other people. Show you're a human being that is willing to like them too, not just 'his girlfriend'. You don't have to be fake to yourself. You don't have to be the star of the show. Just accept that you might sometimes feel awkward around people, and aim to come out of each meeting knowing that you did a good job under the circumstances.
I think you just need someone to talk to, really, and then that will lighten the load of your feelings a little. Sometimes it's better to say these things out loud. I would suggest finding a free telephone helpline - the Samaritans, or the equivalent. Phone them in private, on your mobile perhaps rather than the landline where you live.
It doesn't matter what you used to do. You behave differently now. So you've already proved to yourself that time can change things. And time and a little more forgiveness of yourself can change things for the better even more.
I don't think you need to change your whole life. You just need to talk out some of the frustration, perhaps. We all trust you, and so do the close people you know - now forgive yourself a little, if you think it might help, and trust yourself too.
Good luck xxx
Good luck. x
