Diaper fetish ex messed with my self confidence
Dear Mookychick,
My ex had this fetish, a diaper fetish to be exact. He used all sorts of manipulation to make me believe that he loved me. He talked me into wearing a diaper and sucking on a pacifier a couple times and would masturbate over me. (I was 14 and he was 18 at the time) He tried to get me to use them and would insult my body. Calling me "stout" and drawing me a lot fatter then I actually am and complaining about my scalp. He'd act like he was going to break up with me then burst into laughter. I'd cry and feel alone. I developed a habit of cutting which I fight tooth and nail to stop myself from. When he broke up with me he said I was psycho, bitchy, stupid and that I enjoyed to watch him suffer. None of which was true. I tried to kill myself on Valentine's Day and it was awful. He made me believe that I'd die alone without anyone. He then proceeded to try to date all of my friends. I finally found the person I really did love, he's a complete sweetheart and I am head over heels. I feel safe, happy and complete, for once someone isn't harming me. I have this reoccurring nightmare about what happened with my ex happening again. I'm terrified of being left by him....he's perfection to me. He is the sweetest person I've ever met. He's the total package: amazing personality, really amazingly intelligent and adorable. He knows about everything that happened and somehow still manages to love me. He is a lot more innocent then I am and when I look in the mirror I feel like trash. I feel tainted, impure and stupid and like I don't someone as perfect as he is. By perfect I mean his flaws are there and I know about them and I see them but they line up with mine. I don't want to lose him and I'm always in a fight with myself over whether I should look up or down. If I get too eager I am afraid of being abandoned but if I get too pessimistic then I'll ruin it for myself.
Help!
Love, Anonymous Me xxx
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Magda says...
Your ex was horrible, horrible, horrible. End of. He was an absolutely grade-A crappy piece of work. Shame on him.
Your boyfriend sounds absolutely perfect because (A) he's a nice cool boyfriend and (B) he listens and accepts and (C) he's someone you can be honest with.
A safe person to be honest with and who'll accept you is a great thing to have right now. You describe him as 'perfect' and are worried of losing him - that's putting him on a pedestal because you're so used to feeling bad about yourself.
You have to understand that you've learned loads of bad habits from your crappy old ex - namely, judging yourself harshly so you can excuse someone else's bad behaviour, and second-guessing everything that happens to try to ensure a smooth ride for all.
You don't need to do this to yourself. As you clearly know, this isn't about keeping your current boyfriend, it's about letting yourself off the hook, about understanding that you are not flawed goods because you found previously found yourself in a crappy relationship - you just pulled the short straw and it was the boyfriend that was flawed.
Even if you have an argument with your current lovely boyfriend, or do something that isn't perfect, you will still be a good person, and deserving of the new boyfriend, and won't push him away. You can be yourself. You don't need to watch yourself every step of the way.
When everyone is out, find a doll or a toy or something, pretend it's your ex and shout the most filthy evil judgmental angry things you can at it. Let your defences down and be absolutely horrible to that doll for a minute or two. Your righteous anger at Mr Crappy is currently being turned inwards onto yourself. Give yourself a break! Give yourself a moment to be truly angry at the ex, and don't let his rubbish psyche ruin your life any more!
You've already picked yourself up and done well. Now go out and enjoy it.
