Purgine advice needed for my purging eating disorder
Dear Mookychick,
Hey there. I've got a fairly established eating disorder of purging - going on 7 years - I'm
22
now - my basic behaviour involves eating a lot at the end of the day
and
then purging, or frankly vomiting - or not eating for a while - or eating too much - but the
mainstay
is vomiting.
I've been to therapists, been on antidepressants, seen nutritionalists
over
the years too. my eating problems were known about when I lived at home
and
recently I confided in my housemate, who knew anyway.
I think that I should go into a residential care facility - I have been
doing research on various private ones - in terms of funding I would be
able
to get the cash from my mum, who is comfortable at the moment, as I'm
sure
she'd want to see this off once and for all - she's been trying really
hard
to help me for years.
I feel that I'm almost terminal and a lot of the time the chaos does
not
compute with being involved in an alternative lifestyle and environment
where conceivably one is freer. I t does seem to be an extreme hangover
from
my childhood - which I feel I have explained again and again to various
health professionals and close friends. I'm still interested in the
world,
am an active "artist" and have a job that I don't find life draining -
variables have changed over the years - for good or bad and yet my one
constant is the vomiting.
Healthwise, although I know I'm a time bomb - I'm drawing away from
being
able to get away with it - skin is constantly fucked - weight's all
over the
shop - my hand is starting to get strained which is massively
depressing as
an artist - teeth etc etc - bringing me up to the present, if
residential
care is the best solution - I face a bit of confusion in terms of
telling
people where I'm going or where I've gone - I'm a very private person
and I
don't believe it's anybody's business.
So the main thrust of this e-mail is - what the hell is it about me
that
means I can do this for 7 going on 8 years - despite so many life
changes
and possibly meeting the man I could actually conceive spending the
rest of
my life with - but who knows for sure - and how can I explain my sick
double
life when I finally take affirmative action?
Love, Anonymous Me xxx
The Mookychick answer to your problem
Amanda says...
I really sympathise with you. I had bulimia in my teens and had exactly the same patterns of behaviour. I grew out of the vomiting but have never quite overcome my eating disorders. I'm over caring about what others think of my weight, but I'm currently seeing a nutritional therapist to sort out the depression and lethargy that goes with such self-destructive eating habits.
You're so lucky you have such wonderful support from your Mum and I would take the opportunity to go into eating disorder rehab like a shot, if I were you. There you have a chance to sort yourself out, learn to appreciate food for the wonderful healing medicine that it, learn to respect your own body and overcome the demons from your childhood.
I think you've already made the decision to go, so don't let the thought of anyone else finding out put you off. It's your life, not theirs. The chances are they already see you sloping off to the bathroom for half an hour after every meal and have sussed what you're up to but find it too difficult a subject to bring up. You always have the option to lie - after all, you've sort of been living a lie for the past few years. Tell them you've gone abroad somewhere remote to do some voluntary service, if they ask.
Just one final bit of advice; you can have all the counselling, hypnotherapy, nutritional therapy and rehab money and time can offer, but at the end of the day, it only shows you the road ahead. Only you can get back in the driving seat, put yourself into gear and head off in the right direction.
Good luck and please write to us mookychick agony aunts from time to time to let us know how you're getting on and how the treatment is working out. It would be even more wonderful if you could write a once in a while journal that might help other readers overcome their eating disorders. How about a new thread on the messageboard? I'm sure others would give you loads of support and encouragement, as well.
Char says...
When you find the answer you tell me - I do it myself
Ashley says...
It's weird when someone with a routine like this comes off as more
centered and settled than the average 22-year-old. If you're an
almost terminal time bomb, why do you sound as droll as Marie
Antoinette's severed head looking up at her gushing carotid artery and
yawningly requesting someone bring her a Band-Aid adhesive strip?
While 12-step programs say the first step is wanting to change, and
you express a desire to stop bingeing and purging, have sought
professional help about it etc., it seems like you are okay with what
you're doing.
Puking is not the problem. It's never the problem. It's what's
underneath, the deep down thing that you can't retch up no matter how
deep you waggle the end of the toothbrush against your uvula. You
don't really say what happened in your childhood to cause this
"extreme hangover" - only that you've talked about it again and again.
Professional help is your best bet, but you've got to stop going to
these anemic, coddling therapists. Find one who makes you think about
the fact that, as George Carlin asked, what does it say about our
values when some people are digging in the dumpster for a peach pit to
eat while other people eat a nice meal and puke it up intentionally?
Find a therapist who rattles your cage. And no more nutritionists. For
someone in your deep pattern, especially as a thinking adult,
nutritionalists can exacerbate the problem, as someone who is intent
on puking on a regular basis for years can glean tips from what the
professional is telling them. Going to a nutritionist in your state is
like a crack smoker getting a membership to the oxygen bar - you're
mopping the floor while the sink is overflowing, as the Dutch say.
And you've got to pay for this stuff yourself. In the monetary sense
and in the real, deep down sense. What motivation does someone have to
get better if they've got carte blanche to get their psyche massaged
every week? Apart from the surface ickiness of being a nightly puker,
you don't indicate that your habit has gotten you in trouble with your
relationships, school, work, etc. You say that your mum will be able
to easily foot the bill for you going into a private residential care
facility. Sounds like you'd be fine with signing up for the
Residential Care Time Share of the Month Club. It's time for you to
start shouldering some of the burden and digesting it yourself.
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