I'm an ex-cutter - how to stop people judging me by my past scars?

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Magda says...

Hello lovely person,

Thank you for your email. It's good to hear that you're in a different headspace now to the one you used to be in.

It's absolutely not your fault! Don't think of it as being anyone's fault. It's just the situation that currently lies before you. The thing now is to make people more accepting of who you are right here, right now (and more accepting of your past if necessary).

As you know, you'll get different types of people approaching you about your scars, or forming opinions about them. There'll be people you don't know so well, who are well-meaning, curious or nosy. There'll be friends and family who have known you when you were depressed and still know you now that you've come through that. And there may be figures of authority as well (teachers and such).

It sounds like the change has happened because you've acquired the confidence to wear new clothes (good for you!) but this new style of clothing has also revealed the scars that people might not have been aware of before, and that's why the cutting past and change in people's reactions to you has all come out in the open. Is that right?

So what you're looking at is a choice of options, all of which have their benefits depending on the situation and the person:

1) You could look at scar reduction (I think the going rates nowadays are $500 to a more likely $3000 depending on the nature of the scars)... but that's expensive and not 100% guaranteed to work. Any scar tissue that you have is affected by several factors including the nature and severity of the injury, the thickness and colour of your skin, and how you were treated medically. Even the direction of your scar will make a difference. While a plastic surgeon can improve the appearance of a scar, it's unlikely that it can be removed completely. Your surgeon has an arsenal of techniques available to make your scar look less obvious - everything from collagen or steroid injections to laser resurfacing and skin grafts. Any scar tissue that you have is affected by several factors including the nature and severity of the injury, the thickness and colour of your skin, and how you were treated medically. Also, scar reduction will mean you don't have to address the issue as much in future when you move, but you'll still retain a reputation at school. Oh, and did I mention it's really expensive? Sometimes it's better to just work with what you've got. You'll be a stronger person because of it, and somewhere down the line you'll make some great, true friends who'll accept you for who you are and have been.

2) Hiding the scars if you're in situations where you don't want people to see them (because of the placement of your scars, this isn't a full-time option).

3) Fobbing people off with something that makes them realise you're a happy person now and you don't really want to discuss your scars.

4) Owning up to your scars in such a way that people respect you for your honesty, realise you are not the same person you were when you self-harmed, and - out of respect for your approach - don't dwell on a past you clearly don't wish to dwell on yourself.

5) Increasing the distance between the unhappiness you used to feel and the new confidence you've discovered. Increasing this distance through the way you present yourself visually, through your behaviour, and what you say. Basically - how you carry yourself and present yourself to other people, whether they know you or not.

Friends and family are the easiest, because they've always known who you are, so you have far less explaining to do - plus, it's easier to be honest with them.

People who don't know you and see you around are harder to deal with. If they avoid you and stare at you, don't worry. The beauty of the situation is that you are going to art college this year so you'll lose the reputation you've unfortunately gained and be able to start afresh. Yippee! September may seem like a million years away but you can definitely survive these uncomfortable months of isolation and bad treatment until you're finally free.

In the meantime, there are things you can do to ease the situation - and these things will make it clear to people that you're not the person you once were. As Ashley will shortly point out in no uncertain terms, people take alternative dress and scarring as a whole package. If you're dressing alternative, don't stick to black - make the colours lighter, and make the clothes less 'threatening' to the social norm. What's your hair like? Is it going to label you as an emo cutter? Tweaking your alternative style so it says 'happy, confident and well-adjusted' to the average eye won't be harming your individuality, it will be a case of putting your best foot forward so the other people at school have less to stare at and label. I'm not saying turn yourself invisible, or completely change your style - I'm saying be a bit more inclusive and socially-acceptable in the way you dress and style yourself. Consider it a bit of camouflage, a bit of being an ambassador for the country of yourself! Again, this is only till art college. Also, if your new style of dress is a bit more revealing, maybe consider making the cut of the clothes revealing in that they hug your figure, but going for long-sleeved options, and covering the legs. If none of this applies to you? Just disregard it. It's impossible to give style advice to someone you've never seen, so if the above isn't working for you, just take it with a pinch of salt ;)

It sounds like you've currently given up weed? If so, I think that's a good thing for you. I'm by no means anti-weed but let's face it, regular toking does modify your behaviour, and if you've already acquired a reputation as a 'suicidal druggy child' then morning weed hangovers, slow reactions, slight randomness and startled or sleepy red eyes aren't going to help the cause!

The more - not boringly normal, but well-adjusted - you seem, the more people will stop avoiding you so unpleasantly. I wouldn't normally suggest hemming in your more obvious alternative side to people, but it sounds like you might have given up some friends you used to smoke with, and may not have many new friends at school to replace them. Loneliness is do-able, but it sucks. (But only until September, remember! And then things get better!)

In a way, it's easier when people do ask you outright about your scars, and your past, rather than possibly judging you from a distance. When they actually talk to you about your scars, you've got a chance to present yourself as a grounded, well-adjusted person who's been through a bad patch and should be respected for their honesty and grace in dealing with bad publicity. If they do ask you about your scar, you can make jokes to gently diffuse the situation, show them you've resolved your issues and suggest - in not so many words - that they should drop the subject. Alternatively, you can briefly say something honest and gentle (not too blunt, which would scare them) on the subject. They will probably respect you owning up to your past in a manner which is neither self-pitying, nor bigging-up-your-bad-self, nor in-your-face-aggro, nor, indeed, hung-up on the matter in any way. Yes, you're carrying your past on your skin - but it is the past.

And what's your situation like with teachers? Do people in authority know about your scars and weed-smoking past? Are they treating you differently because of it? If they are, I would take it out of the classroom and into the office. Talk about your intentions with your parents first, then see if you can arrange a small quiet meeting with your head principal to explain your cutting past briefly, and to explain that you really are a different person now, both as a student and as a person, and would like that to be taken into account for your time remaining at school, because you're planning on getting as much out of school as possible. To be honest, they should love that. And if the attitudes of teachers change, you might see that trickling down to the other people in your class/school too.

And - it goes without saying - hang out with the friends you like who have time for you and know who you are, really. Happy times when you can be happy normal self are a restorative tonic - they'll get you through the shit, and remind you that being you is a good thing to be.

People may be avoiding you now. In art college, students will be more accepting of people who have had all sorts of life experiences. When people ask you about your cutting past, you'll have to be prepared for it. If you haven't prepared the sorts of reactions you might have to potential friends (but yeah, initially strangers) asking you about your scars, you might react in a way that makes them feel awkward. You don't want anyone putting you in a box again.

Humour gently distracts curious strangers from questions about your scars

"My cat did it. I had a truly mean cat." (And just stick to that story. They'll know you're lying, they'll know you don't want to be pressed on the subject, and they'll know you're in a different headspace to the girl who first cut herself).

Deflecting questions about your scars with fake explanations

"I fell through a plate glass window as a kid - there was glass everywhere."

"I fell from a bicycle while cycling downhill on a paved road."

Ways to briefly and positively explain your scarring past

"It's a long story. I was another person then. Fortunately, I'm simply not that person anymore."

"That was a tough time in my life and I had some problems, but I've worked through them and am better/stronger now."

You don't need a full-blown explanation - just a few sentences should do. And it could be part of your internal healing process - to understand yourself, come to terms with it, and move on.

If you're answering a stranger / potential friend like this in art college, it could be easier to then gently change the topic to something lighthearted. It's not your responsibility if they feel awkward for having asked, but changing the topic will mean moving into safer topics of conversation that will make you both feel better about the exchange!

Since the scars are visible, addressing them may be momentarily uncomfortable, but it will diffuse a lot of future discomfort. So prepare your answer in advance for if someone asks... and don't stress too much. Life happens.

Natural scar reduction:

It's easier to prevent scars forming on new cuts than it is to lessen the visual appearance of old scars. But you can still do things to make a difference. Vitamin E is famous for improving the skin's elasticity. So Vitamin E every day. Even if you can't see an effect, keeping doing it! Five years down the line it probably WILL make a visual difference! Similarly, calendula cream is simply amazing for scars.

There are also lots of scar creams/pads that can help reduce scars. Various sites recommend Elastoplast scar removal pads; ScarEase; Cicacare; Syprex; Rejuveness; ReTouch; Mepiform and ScarGuard. A lot of these are only available in America, and you'd need to research what types of scars they can help.

Ashley says...

If you're getting help, it's useless if its practitioners think depression can just swoop in and grab an 11-year-old without any outside circumstances - which is how you lay it out. While you fail to mention who was absent or who abused you as a child or whatever it was that kickstarted your depression, you've got own up to what you did in response to it: Cutting yourself and escaping in drugs.

You didn't start smoking weed "due to it being a norm among the people who I'm around." You made a choice to do that, as you did with the choice to scar yourself. Don't want people to think you're druggy? Ditch the grass and the Dead T-shirts and the hemp necklaces. Don't want to get "interrogated" on your scars? Stop dressing like you do. Intentional scars are like tattoos. If you get a tattoo on your wrist that says something nifty in Sanskrit, you have to expect that every once in a while, someone will ask you what it means.

When I don't want people to ask about my tattoos, I wear long sleeves. Sometimes it's hot or uncomfortable - but it's better than being judged when I'm at some work event. That's the price you pay for getting inked.

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