Advice - How do I talk to my mum about my gender insecurity?

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Lottie says...

First of all let me say that I am sorry for what you have been going through, being fifteen is hard enough in this day and age! You have stated that you have felt insecurity with your gender for three years now, which mean that you have felt confused and insecure since you were twelve years old. My first thought was this is around the same time your body is going through a multitude of changes and going through the next phase of 'becoming a woman'. This is hard to come to terms with as some people develop earlier than others and even faster than others. I hope I am right to assume that you have developed quite early and quickly for that matter since you said you have large breasts. The average size for teenagers nowadays is around the 36 B/C mark, however I must note that breast size do vary as everyone is different. If you feel you're breasts are giving you discomfort and are too large for your body then I would suggest visiting your GP for further advice.

You have also stated that your mum has sent you to see a therapist, so I am wondering what reasons you have given your mum as I am to believe that you have not told her about your insecurities with your gender. Regarding to your therapist, it is fair to say that they are not there to judge you but to listen to you and help you with your problems –that is there job afterall. However, if you feel more comfortable in talking to another therapist, preferably female as you said “there's no way he could understand” makes me believe that you not being able to talk to your therapist could be down to him being male. There is no harm in asking for another therapist if you feel you are able to open up more. All information between you and your therapist is confidential and will not go beyond that, unless they think you are at harm.

You sound like you and your mum are close, for example you openly told your mum about your sexuality. However, because of the response you got from telling your mum this you feel you are unable to tell her other problems that you are going through. I believe it is in your best interest to either talk to your mum, or if you feel your mum will not take you seriously, then talk to your therapist to see where this problem has occurred and just to see whether it is a phase or not. If you choose to do the latter, I believe that once you are able to talk to your mum and tell her your conversations with your therapist (up to you) then she may be able to see the seriousness of the issue at hand.

With regards to your mum and the possibility of considering breast reduction later on in life, all I can simply say is that your mum (and plenty of other women) has probably gone through the same thing. Even I have!! I complained and complained about my own breasts whilst I was a teenager and also considered having them reduced, however I made sure that I would make that decision once my body has decided to stop developing fully and once I am more capable of understanding my body. It is forever changing when you are a teenager so I understand the frustration you must be going through, but don't forget that everyone else the same age as you are going through the same thing with their bodies and not knowing what to do and who to talk to.

When you said about your Aunt being 'too tomboy for my style' and the fact that you are not concerned about your 'lower half' has me thinking whether you are going through (the confusion, the low self-esteem about your breasts etc) is normal for teenage girls and how they feel about their body. If you were thinking of wanting to be a man I would believe that having a 'tomboy style' would be one of the ways of feeling closer to being a male and less of a female. Also, and I say this because of other cases in the same situation, would not feel comfortable with their 'lower half', particularly their genitals, as this is how we separate ourselves from man and woman, male and female.

However, saying that, I do believe it would be good if you did try and talk to your mum (or someone close to you that you feel comfortable to open up to). You can do this by making sure that she knows you want to have a serious chat with her so that she is able to have free time and there are no interruptions, if you feel you cannot talk to her in person then writing a letter if a good way of getting your feelings down and your mum is able to read the letter and come to terms with what you are trying to say and understand how you might be feeling. Or if you would like a more professional advice, then consider seeing another therapist that you are able to open up to and tell your worries to as I believe that what you are going through must be causing you high levels of stress, anxiety and frustration and these are the issues that need to be addressed.

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