My girlfriend is afraid of men
Dear Mookychick,
Look, I'm not going to try to bore you with silly little details or
anything
like that. But I'll do my best to construe the situation to you as best
as
possible.
I consider myself not to be a dumb boy. From all the guides I have
read, I
am apparently doing everything right. I compliment her, I support her
when
she decides to do something, but at the same time I try not to be too
clingy.
And in all honesty she's someone I feel close to.
But
there's a problem.
First off, I'd like to get something cleared up. I'm not going out with
her, we aren't dating. Unfortunately. I care very deeply for her and
she's
the only person on this planet I would push out of the way of a train
if,
out of the two of us, I knew she'd be the only one to get out of the
way in
time, she'd be the only one I would leap in front of a bullet for,
she'd be
the only one I would burn to death in a house fire rescuing.
She
doesn't
know this, but I don't tell her because it would freak her out.
See, she's very afraid of my kind. My kind is males in general.
She
doesn't
feel we are very close, yet the facts stand. We talk for upwards of 5
hours
a day every day without hitting a lull in the conversation, we see each
other at school, and though we're too afraid to talk to one another in
person, we shoot sidelong glances at each other and *almost* talk when
passing each other.
But she's afraid to let anyone close to her. She feels afraid to get
attached to someone. I know I'm closer to her than enyone else because
of
the personal info we share, that she tells me, and I tell her. We know
more
about each other than any other person knows about either of us. But
the
thing is we're both deathly afraid of getting personal. I don't know why
she's afraid, maybe it's the same reason as me. And my reason is my own.
I
apologize, but it's personal data I don't share with just anyone.
Here's a metaphor. Has your math teacher ever talked about two lines
with
constantly halving distances? Basically what that means is the distance
between two lines will keep halving, making the lines get closer and
closer
together for all eternity. However, mathematically, no matter HOW close
the
lines get, they are never going to touch.
That's how I feel. Like I'm
getting
closer and closer to this girl, but never being able to make contact. it
saddens,
frustrates, and depresses me all at the same time. I don't know what to
do.
I'm trying everything. I know she doesn't want to give up, and neither
do I.
But it's kind of like she's been inside her shell so long she doesn't
know
HOW to get out of it, even though I can hear her screaming on the other
side.
So please, help me. How can I make the lines touch? How can I help her
open
her shell?
I don't know what to do, and I'm tearing myself apart trying to figure
it
out.
"
Sincerely, a dumb boy with a heart of gold
The Mookychick answer to your problem
Char says...
Dear Friend
What strikes me first about your letter is that you appear to have an articluate writing style which suggests to me that you're a bit more clued up than what you may otherwise already think.
This girl sounds as though she could have been hurt previously or it could be that she just doesn't fancy you and is trying to be evasive so as not to hurt your feelings.
You say you talk for up to 5 hours a day? I'm assuming this is on the internet... being shy when you see someone is normal, at any age but especially when you're in your teens.
I'm afraid there's no magic word to get her to open up to the possibility of a relationship with you, but the fact that you're intimate with words with one another suggests that this isn't as much of a lost cause as one may at first suspect.
You are doing all the right things so far - you sound like you're aware of what girls need.
The thing is, that no matter what you do in life romance-wise, you'll inevitably hit heartache. Unless you want to remain single and alone for ever, it's one of life's certainties (along with death and taxes) that you'll experience hurt due to a direct result of being in or not in a relationship either through choice or force. That's how romance goes. Why do you think there are so many songs written about it, so many poets, so many books, films and sonnets? Love is a tricky and complicated emotion that no-one understands. Feelings are one of the most complex attributes that make up a human character and we can neither hide or deny them when they appear. Cest la vie!
You have to go with the flow, and rock to your tune. Never change yourself for anyone but you and only then, on your own say so.
Be afraid, yeah, of course, take it easy, take it slow but why deny yourself the potential love that could blossom between you both for the sake of a fear that may not even materialise?
Try to convey this to her, but do it slowly and naturally.
You'll both be fine, the question is, will it be with each other?
Good luck xx
Ashley says...
Heart of Gold,
The Way of the Girl: You talk five hours a day = She knows you're fawny over her. But to say it upfront would 'freak her out' only because it would demolish her silently-established girl control.
To her, you are another girl friend. Believe me, if she found some hawt boy who made her panties moist, she'd get attached to him in a jiffy, fears of attachment or none.
This is not about constantly halving lines. This is about one constantly halving line. Yours. You are not going to win this girl's heart. She's not interested and honestly, if you really were interested, you'd do something about it.
A heart of gold is nothing without a pair of brass balls to boot.
Ptiza Meex
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www.relate.org.uk (Email counsellors about relationships)
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