My boyfriend cuts himself
Dear Mookychick,
Please help with some relationship advice regarding a boyfriend who cuts himself. I have a major problem. I am a 18 year old woman and I have a wonderful fiance. I've been seeing him since 8th grade (5 years) and he proposed when I was 16. I also recently found out I am pregnant with our first child together. Now don't get me wrong, he and I are very happy about the child. He is very excited to be a father even at such a young age (hes just turned 19). However, the other night he had his shirt off and I noticed 7 new cuts, at first I thought his cat had attacked him again (demon cat), but the lines were much too straight and deep. When I asked him he just kind of brushed me off, which is very much unlike him. Later in the week I found his pocketknife under his bed covered in blood. I showed this to him and he admitted that he used it to make the cuts on his chest. I lost it. I have very strong feelings on self mutilation and suicide, mainly because I know how horrid that shit feels having survived three attempts to commit suicide when I was 13. I completely broke down. I can't even imagine why he would try to harm himself. Hes told me how happy he is about the baby and how excited he is to start a new life with me and our new baby. He helped me when I had my issues, now I feel like I can't help him, I feel like i'm going to lose him and our child is going to grow up daddyless. I feel like I can't even help the one I love most. I know you might not be able to help me but I just needed to tell someone who would listen. Thank you in advance.
Love, Anonymous Me xxx
The Mookychick answer to your problem
Debs says...
I'm impressed, as you seem to be pretty grounded with all of this. Which is good.
It's a pity that your fiance isn't on the same page. Which isn't that big a deal - the problem you both have is that he won't talk to you about it, preferring to cut himself instead. This is something you can get around though, so don't worry. All you have to do is talk. I'm betting it was easier for me to type that than it will be for you both to do that.
You're about to become parents. Aside from the fact that you're probably planning your marriage too, that means you've both got a lot going on. Now your fiance, who does love you very much, doesn't want to worry you. Because of 'your condition'. But he's still getting stressed and the only way he can cope with this is by cutting himself. As long as he's doing this in a safe manner and keeps the cuts clean, in a physical sense, he'll be fine.
What you need to work on are the things that are making him cut himself. He kept this from you because he was worried that you wouldn't be able to cope with this. So he's trying to keep this from you, because he thinks it'll protect you. He's worried you'll get scared when you find out how scared he is. It's wonderful how much you can screw up a relationship, when you try to protect each other.
You need to be reassuring him that it's ok to be scared and worried. That this is a stressful time. But that you need to be going through this together, working together. He needs to understand that you are strong enough to be able to help him when things get tough. Just as you need to know that he'll be there for you when things get tough for you.
It's going to be to a long hard slog for you both, but you are getting a wonderful reward at the end. Good luck.
Ashley says...
First, let me say I'm glad to hear that both of you are taking
responsibility for being married parents of the child you've created
together. (Let's get that marriage going, post-haste, for the sake of
your kiddo, even if it just takes a few papers and a quick ceremony
with a notary public, shall we?)
Unfortunately, as there often is, there's a snag. He's not happy. In
fact, he's hurting so much on the inside that he's taken to cutting
himself on the outside just to have a more tangible pain to deal with.
He can deal with the pain from inflicting scars on himself more than
he can figure out what's going on in his own head.
The thing is, no matter how young you are, you're both going to very
quickly have to adjust your entire lives in order to be responsible to
this new life you've committed to bringing into the world. Whatever
problems he has are either going to vanish when he realizes he has
more important responsibilities - like being a father - to deal with,
or they're going to get bottled up and explode, making the family
unhappy. You both have something you can devote yourselves to being
the best at - raising this child and giving him or her a wonderful,
loving home.
The bad news is, if he's thinking that he's made a
mistake, should have sewed his wild oats, doesn't really love you,
it's a little late for that. It's no use telling him to grow up -
having a son or daughter dependent on him for love and security will
do that, if anything will. If it won't, then you will have learned a
very hard lesson about wrapping your junk if you're not ready for a
child. Unfortunately your child will be the one with the sub-par
childhood. Let's hope both of you throw yourself into loving each
other selflessly and being committed to each other and your family.
It's bigger than the two of you now.
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