My boyfriend is going to dump me

Please help with some love advice. I constantly think that my boyfriend is going to leave me, even when he goes to work. In all our arguments, he tells me i'm too ready to just run away and that i should stay and try to work things out. He doesnt understand that every time i've argued with loved ones in the past, they have ran off and not come back. How do i learn to not resolve everything with a threat to run off when thats the very thing im frightened of him doing the most? Please Help!"

Love, Anonymous Me xxx

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Debs says...

herpes advice Well, firstly, Ahhh, trust. It's quite precious, really, but you never really that until someone squanders it and then you never trust anyone again.

I very much doubt that every single time you argued with a loved one, they ran away, but it seems that way to you, doesn't it? The reason being, is that it happened once, years ago, when it mattered the most and you've since set that up, in your mind, as what will happen whenever you argue. So, whenever it happens again, you store it up, with all the other examples, as more evidence that this is just so true. Anytime it doesn't happen, well, you just ignore it, or excuse it, maybe the argument wasn't really that bad. There's lots of psychological names for this sort of thing, it's a script you follow, it's self-fulfilling prophecy. But that doesn't mean you have to keep doing that. You can change. It's hard, but you can do it.

The first step is going to be the hardest. You have to trust your boyfriend. At the moment, you're starting down a very self destructive path. You think he's going to run away, so you don't trust him. Because you don't trust him, you argue. You will keep arguing until he runs away and you can prove yourself right. Does this sound familiar?

Sit down with your boyfriend and tell him what your fears are and that you want to overcome them. The second half of that sentence is the most important, You do want to overcome this. But you need his help to do this. He loves you, he'll support you. Or should, if he doesn't. let him run off. Learn how to trust him again. This means you will have to give him space and not want to know where he's been every single minute of the day. It's going to be tough and it's going to take time. But once you can do this, you'll find you'll trust him, and other people, more. You can change this, if you stick it out.

Char says...

herpes advice Whoah there tiger! Do you want him to leave you in the predicament in which you dread the most? Then carry on suspecting, carry on whining and carry on bitching.

What you need to do is get some counselling or a trusted friend and talk to them alllllll about it until the cows come home. Shit happens - as we grow up we have to learn how to deal with it. Achieving trust, respect, honesty and integrity within a relationship is like losing weight. It takes a lot of time and effort into perfecting, and even then there's the odd wobbly moment. The best thing you can do, honey, is to relax! Try being honest about your past with your lover and if he's a good 'un then he'll understand and be there for you to reassure your fears. Good luck!

Amanda says...

herpes advice You say every time you've argued with loved ones in the past, they have disappeared, never to be seen again. You don't mention how many lovers you've lost this way or you're argument style. I suspect, from your letter that you suffer from bad anger management, or are perhaps very unreasonable in your arguments and behave badly like a spoilt moody child. If any of this is true, you should be asking yourself why you are so confrontational and unreasonable and if you need help with insecurity and communication issues. Your present boyfriend sounds very sensible and understanding - you say 'in all our arguments' which tells me there have been a fair few that he hasn't run off but tried to reason with you and get you to work things out. By now, he probably knows that you're unlikely to run off and your threats are hollow so grow up and confront your fears. You're testing the poor chap to the limit and he obviously loves you - but don't push your luck! Talk to him, see a counsellor about your self confidence if need be, but most of all just try to relax and enjoy your relationship.