Never had an orgasm with someone else

Please help with some sex advice. I am a 23 year old woman and I have never had an orgasm with another person - EVER!

I have had 10 partners and yet none of them made me cum. I can achieve orgasm by myself no problem, so I know it's not a medical problem with hormones or suchlike. Thing is, whenever a guy goes down on me or even tries touching me down there I simply find it irritating and will pull their hands away or try to stop them - they normally get the idea it's because am so turned on, it's not, it's because the sensation isn't a nice one.

I try to fantasise during sex and it doesn't work. Have tried a massive veriety of things, including with a woman, and still nothing. It doesn't seem to matter what happens, the moment anotherrperson gets involved I lose all desire and it's making me feel stressed, upset and miserable.

I was with my ex-fiancee for 3 years and our sex life was sporadic and more centred on him - he only went down on me 3 times and once said that he didn't like it because my lips were too big. He also watched hours of pr0n at night when I had gone to bed which made me feel ugly and undesirable. I now have issues with my body.

I have had bulimia for ten years which can't help with my self-esteem even though I have plenty of admirers or compliments from men.

My last boyfriend had terminal cancer and died very recently, I felt pleasure with him but still no orgasm.

I am now with someone else, a guy who is wonderful, caring, sweet, smart and funny and who adores me and will do anything for me in bed. He has said he is happy to do whatever is needed to help me achieve orgasm, is happy for me to pleasure myself while he just holds me if I prefer but I can't even do that. It's making me feel so tearful and like I am letting him down as well as myself.

I am not a frigid person, or someone who dislikes sex or love making - I am very adaptable, will try most things and am normally thought of as being very kinky. But now I feel like I am a freak or there is something wrong with me because I can't relax or let go enough to cum. I don't understand why I hate being given oral sex or being touched down there. I get nothing from any part of my body being handled except for a hot spot on my neck but even that doesn't do it for me enough. I don't think it can be normal to find being touched genitally so nasty. I get pleasure from intercourse but nowhere near enough to orgasm and after being penetrated I dislike any stimulation at all. I have a cliteral hood piercing and a labial peircing, as well as one of my nipples and even that hasn't made me more receptive.

I am all out of ideas! Can you help?

Love, Anonymous Me xxx

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Ashley says...

relationship advice Sounds like the problems started at least 10 years ago - when the bulimia started or before. Whenever you learned about sex, it was not as a pleasurable experience, but as something that made you "stressed, upset and miserable."

You don't say that there was abuse in your past, but you also don't say there wasn't. Most guys will pick up on that if you don't like them touching you, but if that's the case, then you've got to deal with that through therapy - or at least talking about it - instead of trying to approach it all lopsidedly through lesbian experimentation and piercings and other "kinky" stuff that really only makes you feel "nasty."

Magda says...

relationship advice I agree with Ashley, in that you've had some deeprooted stuff going on for a while now. This isn't just about orgasm, this is about your self-esteem and how you are (possibly unconsciously) viewing yourself in a harsh light. If you've been brave enough to have kinky sex, have had sex with women, and you've had the self-awareness to admit to us you know you're attractive, then on one level you're clearly a very strong, brave girl who knows her own mind. But if you've had eating disorders for over a decade and you've been hurt by the loss of loved ones and the cruel words of an ex-fiancee, then you can't be superwoman. Somehow, somewhere, you're hurting, and you owe it to yourself to look into it. We can offer you some advice that might - MIGHT - help you achieve orgasm but it's really just going to be a sticking plaster on a deeper wound.

You owe it to yourself to get some therapy to start helping the part of you that is telling you not to trust yourself or the people making love to you.

I'm glad you have a great guy at the moment, he sounds really supportive and I'm sure he'll continue to be supportive if you start looking into therapy.

In the short-term, it doesn't matter how big your lips are - if a guy likes oral sex, and he likes you, then he will enjoy going down on you. So you mustn't feel ugly about your 'peachfish' as Tom Robbins called it - and I'm sure that, one day, things will change for you, and solo orgasm will be a thing of the past!

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