Wedding blues and marriage depression advice needed
Dear Mookychick,
Please help with some relationship advice about my wedding depression. I'm 22 and engaged to be married to a wonderful, wonderful man who
is
25. We have set the date for the wedding (Aug next year) and with
financial
help from our parents have already booked the ceremony and reception in
a
beautiful country house.
Having been a serial dater before I met him, he is my first love. From
the
moment we met at a party at uni 2 months before our finals, I felt
swollen
in my heart and we declared our love after 6 weeks or so. At a festival
3
months in, we got high and mentioned marriage. The seed was sown and
all I
could think about was how much I love him and he me. We moved in
together in
Manchester and we talked about moving to Australia together and
cultivating
our mutual love of surfing. We shared values, ideas about bringing
children
up, a desire to travel. It wasn't a case of if but when and I was just
desperate for him to propose. Which he did, on our one year
anniversary, on
a beach in Australia. He has been the most thoughtful, kind, giving,
loving
man I could ever imagine or hope for but I find myself worrying about
marriage.
Since i got back from Austraia (I went away for 2 months to work in a
beach
resort to try and do something independently. He had four gap years
before
uni as a pro surfer and my only independent travel has been
inter-railing
around Europe. I missed him terribly, we wrote lots of emails and it
was
during his visit out to see me that he proposed ) I have felt overtaken
by
wedding plans. I go through the motions of planning the wedding,
receiving
lots of presents and cards and writing thank you letters, speaking to
grandparents about ceremony stuff, discussing catering and venue
options.
It's as though the physical plans have run away from me without me
keeping
up mentally. Since coming back from Australia I have lost that heaving,
pulsing felling in my chest that makes me gasp with love for him.
He has been working full-time in Swindon since we graduated and I am
due to
start a job in advertising at the end of October (in Manchester). We
are
currently living in Swindon at his father's small house while I do a
photography course and some temping work. We won't be based in the same
city
when I begin my job so I am here to spend more time with him. I have no
girlfriends here, hate the heat, am stressed out living in this small
house
with his father (to make things worse he is agoraphobic and NEVER
leaves the
house). I want to go home to my parents but at home all anyone talks
about
is the wedding.
I'm worried that I am no longer 'in love' with him. Is this wedding a
huge
mistake? If i break it off he would be devastated. Am I just stressed
out
living here in Swindon? We are looking to buy a property in Manchester
where
I will be based (have already put in offers). Is this all too much?
Initially i thought I was the luckiest girl alive to have found my
soulmate
at this age where we are going to marry, work for five years then
travel and
eventually move to Australia and bring up a family. Is a massive
respect for
him enough? i cannot fault him, just myself. I want to feel madly in
love
again, but the feeling has been lost for about six weeks (since I moved
down
here) but before that was waning in frequency. I know we will have a
good
life but... well..
I would like your opinion. Sorry this email is so long. I can't talk to
anyone close to me because I feel so guity that i feel like this. I
would
love to confide in my mum but because they're paying for the wedding I
don't feel that I can mention any doubts.
Love, Anonymous Me xxx
The Mookychick answer to your problem
Debs says...
What you have to seriously consider is whether there is any foundation to these doubts. Oddly enough I heard a rather good piece of advice at a wedding only last weekend. Don't marry someone you can live with, marry someone you can't live without.
So, can you live without this man?
The thing is, there's a lot going on at the moment and you're not getting enough time to spend with each other, just enjoying each other's company. You're working, you're planning, you're living in a small house and getting no privacy.
So, ok, when you're married and have bought your own house, you'll have your privacy. But with studying and working and just life, there's going to be times when you don't get to see each other. Can you live with that? Is your relationship strong enough to cope? Will you be able to find time for each other then? Can you find that time now?
Planning a wedding is huge, massive. Honestly, it's a lot of work. Especially as you want it to be the best day of your life. But do you have to do all the work yourself, especially if in doing so, you're destroying the relationship you have? Is there no way you can get someone else to help, or take over, the planning. Talk to people who are married, ask them how much work is involved and how much better they felt knowing someone else had it all in hand. Get someone else to do all this and start spending time with your fiance. Then you can work out whether what you are doing is right or not.
The worst thing in the world you can do is marry someone just because you feel you have to. Just because so many people have put in so much time and effort, and you don't want to let them down. They're only doing that work because they want to see you happy. If you're not going to be happily married, then they'd rather you drop out now, than later. They'll support you.
As for your fiance, yes, he'll be devastated if you call the whole thing off, but if you're not right for each other, he'll only be more devastated when it fails later. Or worse.
Then again, it could really just be the stress at the moment. You could find out that you are both truly in love and this is absolutely the right thing to do. But you do need to spend more time with each again and decide. Maybe, just maybe, talk to him about all this. He's probably feeling as nervous and unsure as you.
I've said this before and I'll very likely say it again. Love isn't the happy sing song world you see on telly and in the movies. It takes a lot of work to make a relationship work. You might think it shouldn't, but it does. The thing is if a relationship is right that most of the time, that work is fun. You might not even notice it. But it's still there. You need to put in some more work into your relationship, and a little less into the wedding.
Good luck.
Ashley says...
There's something missing here - your fiance. Have you told him about
any of this at all? What if he were feeling the same things you were -
would you notice? Would you want him to tell you? If you're really as
trapped/wretched as it seems, shouldn't he notice? But, given the fact
that you waited for him to pop the question without daring broach the
subject yourself, it doesn't seem too far-fetched for you to be
silently suffering and waiting for someone else to do something about
it.
All this nonsense about the wedding seems just that, nonsense. The beginning of your and your fiance's life together should not be one where you're borne into that world by your parents. They're paying for the wedding and you're living with his father, both things that make you feel miserable. But given that the childlike giddiness with which you describe your attachment to him, maybe that's just an outgrowth of that.
What do you want? Apparently, to be alone for a little while and get your feelings in order. To not have your life drafted by your parents or his parents. To be independent, financially and from family obligations. This is not anyone's wedding but yours and his.
Take a breath. That heaving pulsing feeling in your chest? It might be the beginning of a heart attack. You won't know until you hash this out - not with your pop and moms - but with your man.
Char says...
First of all, I must say congratulations on finding a 'wonderful' man, as you put it. Now that's not to be patronising or indeed, mean, but I can't help wondering myself why you used this particular adjective to describe the man who's supposed to be in effect, the 'One'. By this I mean, the one to make your toes curl, your body shiver your heart flutter.Surely it should be something like 'I'm with this sexy guy he makes my life mean something...'
Or something along these lines.
Yes I know that it wears off after the first few months or so, after the honeymoon period, but what should be left is an ember of this fire from your heart. And that's just as hot! I won't mention your age because I feel that everyone matures at different rates, no two twenty three year olds are the same after all! The beginning of your relationship sounds like something from a movie, all magical moments in foreign countries, senses heightened and such like, and in these circumstances unfamiliar to home territory, it's very easy to be emotionally transported into another galaxy, all dizzy with lust.
Obviously shared thoughts about life ahead of fuzzy headed festivals and backpacking dreams are absolutely integral in forming a happy fulfilling long lasting relationship, after all, religion and children are major life choices and to agree on those matters is half the battle of a successful partnership.
You say that you feel overtaken by wedding plans. That is perfectly normal as far as I know, and you will have to figure out a way to take a step back from all this wedding talk to discover what you really want. Easier said than done right? So what should a girl do? Well, first things first, you could write a Pro & Con list (but make sure he doesn't see it!) and then write down all the things that feel right about your impending nuptials, and then also, all the things that are telling you to get away - and quick.
What you need to try to decipher is whether it's internal or external influences that's giving you the jitters. What I mean by that is: If it's internal, I mean is it coming from your heart? Is it your intuition, your gut instinct telling you that he just isn't the one, because that can happen, even with the most wonderful men, the ones who are good and trustworthy who tick all the right boxes.sometimes as much as we want that to be true, if the spark doesn't last, it's unlikely that your marriage will. Could it just be the fact that you just don't have that spark anymore? You can will it back as much as you want, but maybe your body's telling you something?
Could it be external influences that are causing your doubts? And by this I mean, families butting in, plans becoming more important that what the actual sanctity of marriage actually is, and that's just the two of you in front of God. Please don't feel the pressure to go through with this marriage for the sake of your families financial expenditures, believe me, no amount of money will make that day feel right if it's not meant to be. Ask yourself this, if you could take away both sets of parents and the wedding planners, the guests, the flowers and all the other stuff that comes with it, leaving just you in your jeans and t-shirt facing your fiancee, would you be happy?
Only you know the answer to that...
Your living arrangements are bound to be causing a stress for you, which is never easy on any couple, especially those starting out. You both seem to have plenty of set plans for your lives and where they're both going to go, which I find a bit strange considering the freedom you both shared at the beginning..could it be your feeling trapped by the day to day drudge of daily life and yearn for some excitement?
And also, why are you both going to be working in different cities when you're engaged to be married so soon? To me, if you're in a couple, you live in the same place base yourselves close to work so that you can build a life together in a place that works for you both. Could this be another reason that you're getting cold feet?
Seriously, if you really love him, and if it's really right, your heart will speak up and let you know.
Good luck,
Char x
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